Talking to your partner is a big part of any relationship. The ability to communicate with your significant other is a wonderful thing. You can talk about common interests, wild fantasies or even work related situations. My fiance loves to talk about work, she loved her job had a great boss, worked with a great group of people in a very exciting department and then it happened. Her old boss got promoted, moved to a new department and was replaced by a total tit. Now what does this have to do with flying? How on earth does this have anything to do with life as a flight attendant? It shouldn't but it does. This also has to do with inappropriate conversations, the airplane and a flight where I had to listen to the other side of the story from a women you had cost me countless hours of my life already. That is right I had the pleasure of being this brainless twits inflight service for a flight where she was returning from yet another vacation.
On the odd occasion I run into someone I know on the plane. Old high school crushes, friends of my fathers, I even met my fiance on a flight (story for another day). This flight started out as many others do, we were boarding and I was greeting people as they enter the aircraft. All the usual hellos, welcomes, thanks for joining us. When a lady comes on with the strangest look on her face. I thought to myself "Have I slept with you?" Not that she is even in my league but I mean we do have those odd nights when we lower our standards and do something we regret. She is obviously with her husband, obviously remembers me from somewhere and obviously doesn't want to connect the dots as to why. She is very uncomfortable in her own skin right about now. I think if she could she would run off the plane and wait for a slow boat back to her country of origin. I must look like someone cause I honestly have no idea who she is and I am very good with faces and names.
Now it only gets worse cause she is sitting in the very front of the aircraft. The very first row. Planes are a very loud environment and many people forget that important piece of information. When you talk on a plane it usually carries because you are talking much louder than you think you are. Not a good thing if you are talking about sensitive information that you want or should be trying to keep to yourself.
Shortly after takeoff service begins and finally the question is asked. I am going through with items for purchase and she just blurts out. "Are you married to (Insert real name of my fiance here)?" I jokingly reply "No, not yet so you have until September to make me an offer." I was thinking to myself must be one of Jen's (names changed to protect the innocent) friends from home or Facebook or something. She replies defensively "I am married, this is my husband" The guy beside her is laughing as he got the joke, but this lady is very oblivious. I tell her, "Well my number is on the napkins so if things don't work out you know where to get a hold of me." Her husband is smiling and leans over and finally explains "He is joking" and he laughs while she just looks more confused over what a "joke" is.
I continue on with my service. I think wow Jen's really got some stunned friends. That is some really funny stuff I had just said and she still looked confused. Like she didn't want to really be there? I should go and formally introduce myself and maybe figure out if they are coming to the wedding or angry because they weren't invited. I return about a half hour later and see that they are still wide awake and I introduce myself. "Hi I am Tony, Jen's fiance. Small world eh?" Her husband says nice to meet you with a very friendly smile and shakes my hand. Still with a socially awkward disposition on her face the lady beside him says "I am Stacey I was Jen's boss. She left the team shortly after I arrived and I am sure she is happier where she is now because she is working with a guy that she likes in that department." I am now looking at the pale faced devil. My poker face has gone out the window. This is the girl who managed to make my fiance leave the one thing in the world she loved more than me. The best position in a very big fortune 500 company with more perks than you could shake a stick at. She is now on a part of that same company in a new department that deals with not so fun, not so perk-filled things and might even be losing her job since she is the newest member of that team and they are downsizing.
I now get where she might not have been to pleased to see me when she got on the plane. I thought she was stunned but maybe she does know that she made a huge mistake. She knows that countless hours of my life have been spent recounting each and every one of her bad moves as one after another of her team up and left cause they could no longer handle this witch.
What comes next is a complete detailed explanation as to why my fiance left the team from the other side of the story. On a plane where everyone for 4 rows can hear what those reasons were. Her husband even interjects at one point and says "Don't worry I hear about this work stuff all the time". Well that is all well and fine but I imagine it is in the privacy of your own home and you can go off to the bedroom and role play afterwards. But you are on a plane. Complete strangers are all around you, your talking very loud. While you are trying to not make yourself look like the complete socially awkward idiot, you just did. Nicely done. The people directly behind her are just shaking their heads. Stuff being said is not appropriate at all. Worst part is I have nowhere to go.
I often wondered when I heard story after story about her new boss not being around. Seeing the cancellation notices as she was again too busy for another meeting. Arriving late for many conference calls. Asking for the same information each and every month like clockwork. Calling while we are on vacation for the most trivial of things. I wondered if she was really that stupid or was Jen exaggerating. No this girl is clueless, maybe book smart but overall.... Stunned. Even after Jen had left the team she was still getting meeting invites, and requests for the location of almost every spreadsheet the department ever used. This girl while being her boss was a complete airhead with far too much on her plate. Still in school and milking a big pay cheque out of this company as she honestly does very little for herself and relies on the others on her team to get results.
This isn't even the first time I have flown with co workers of my fiance. On a flight I where I was commuting I ran into the VP of her former department. We had a few beer talked casually about Jen, her old boss and other people we knew in passing. Very diplomatic he was as he said "Jen was a very valuable asset to her department, she will be missed". Wow look at that this guy know not only her name but the exact right thing you should say, if you say anything at all. We than talked about other more important things before falling asleep. Sleeping on a plane is a wonderful thing I really can't stress that enough.
So from our lesson today we know know that on a plane we talk to loud so we should all learn that talking about the wrong things is bad. Keep it to a minimum. Don't provoke the flight attendants. Save venting about work for your loved ones and role play your aggression out.
Till the next time keep that seat belt fastened and keep sleeping.
July 19, 2011
July 13, 2011
Sunny Destinations,..Going Down!
So we already covered the flight back from a vacation. How everyone is beat, sleeps and and are basically being the dream team in the flying machine. But in order to return from, you first must go. Lets talk about this as it is very interesting indeed. Say for example your on a flight going to someplace warm. Chances are you saved up all year (or longer). You might have never flown before. This could be a yearly thing. Or your going for your son/daughter/relative/friends wedding. Weddings are huge. Destination Weddings are a lot of fun. It is so cool to see why the Father of the Bride/Groom is not allowed to drink during the day of the event and I think it almost always has to do with the flight down.
This flight starts with a wonderful crew. A mix of veterans and a newbies which is always fun. We are also going someplace warm with a chance to bask in the humidity for an entire hour before we load up and head back to a hotel someplace far away, and not nearly as all inclusive as we would like. That is correct, right back where we started. We are also on the 3rd day of working together so the feeling out part is done with. We know what we like and dislike about each other. We have all been in love with, and hated what the other has done. We each know that we are the best at what we do, and we are about to throw ourselves into making it the best experience we can for the people that are now coming in to our lives.
The flight down goes like this. Most people are just excited. They are loud. One or two have had a drink maybe 2 at the most. And as long as they have a seat on the flight they really don't care where it is, if the seat reclines, or everyone has showered. So important, the showering part that is. Expectations are at a minimum. The flight is sort of a long sit before the party begins....Well except for a few people.
We have to have a few needy people. Walking on the plane you can tell because they ask if the bar is open. "When do we get drinks?" It depends on where you are seated, and when we get to the drink service. See first there is a few other things we have to do. Like make sure everyone is here with their bags stowed, a safety demonstration, taxi out to the runway, take off, stabilize at a reasonably high altitude, make sure things are good. "Well can do those things really fast and get to the drinks?" She interrupts me. Yes I can, I can absolutely, I can do a lot of things fast. Mostly pass judgements and suppress things I really want to say. Lucky for me, I have a Blog.
If you really need a drink before you put away your bags maybe you need to rethink your vacation plans. If I were you I'd be asking the folks at the liquor store if you could set up a tent in the beer fridge. Might be the only way you really find happiness whilst having a relaxing day away from home.
Minutes later... "Here Comes The Bride", and she is beautiful, friendly nice and a shining example of how to fly. With her is a group of guys with Movember 70 Porn Star Style Mustaches' and an older couple that look very happy. Now between the over 70 crowd and the guys that are in their late 20's with funny facial hair I always think the guys with the mustaches are going to be trouble. They do look like they are ready for the flight wide eyed, loud, listening to what sounds like heavy metal as they pass by. My spider senses are tingling. Wait for it, Yes! Right there someone touched my bum. I turn quickly only to see... GRANNY!?!?! No way I was just goosed by Granny.
She smiles and tries to blame it on Grandpa!?! "He made me do it." She says in her sexiest voice, which is even sexier since she is British and doesn't have a full compliment of teeth to hold in all that sexiness. Now I am flustered, I am embarrassed as I was focused on the Handle Bar Groomsmen and then I got blindsided by Granny. Wow, tunnel vision alert kids. You focus on one situation and another can quickly come up behind you and gently caress your bottom with the skill and dexterity of a seasoned proctologist. I was amazed, violated but still, ya mostly violated. My inner dialogue is running all over the place. I decide to just go on and assist were I can with bags. Say nothing, keep your head down. You have almost 4 hours on this plane you will have your moment don't force your hand yet. I walk away and plot my revenge.
So to recap we have 3 wedding parties, a handful of drinkers, and a sexually charge Granny on board. OK lets close the door and get this party started. We do the demo in record time. Our lead is talking like an auctioneer, literally, I can barely keep up. But the crowd loves it, especially the lady who requested a drink on her way in. Step one out of the way. Now to taxi. Wow even faster, our Captain drives this thing like he stole it. The entire taxi I see the same lady cheering almost the entire way. Not sure if she is excited about the fact we are leaving or that she actually found the right plane?
Up, Up and Away!!! In the air with almost 4 hours till we touchdown in a much hotter, more humid, and sunnier destination. Not one person isn't already looking out the window in hopes of seeing the island we are flying to. No one is sleeping, everyone is craning their neck out a window looking four hours into the future to see what sunny beaches they will soon be calling their own. I am walking through to make sure everyone is breathing and I feel a hand on my leg as I get 4 rows away from the back galley. A little side note. Your inches away from my manhood, your not invited, if I can't touch you there...fill in the blank. Never mind, You Can't Touch Me! Lets remember you bought a ticket for a plane trip not a lap dance.
Please if we ever cross paths (and I hope we do) here are the very basic rules to follow. Listen, Sit, and keep your hands to yourself. It is just like going to School except at 500 miles an hour, and a little closer to God than you ever thought you'd be. This isn't a flying bar or dance club. That is exactly what is going through my head as I hear the next words out of this ladies mouth. "Are you going to get me that drink Now?" To recap we are finished all the things I had mentioned to her earlier. We have done the demo, taxi, takeoff etc. So I guess she is correct in assuming that she can NOW have a drink. I stop myself, get my smile on and give her a slow clear rundown on the service we are going to be offering her on the flight. First we come through with immigration forms, then some snacks, THEN we do the drinks. "After the drinks we do other things, then more food and then more drinks. So we will have a total of two drink services, but, if you need a drink other than at those times please feel free to press the flight attendant call button and the flight attendant in your section will come and take your beverage order. You don't have to touch us, just the button please." I smile again and she takes her hand off my leg. I begin to walk away and I am thinking to myself wow this diet is really working when I hear it. I really didn't expect it, but, I guess I asked for it. "Ding"
I turn to see the same lady with an equally huge smile on her face (well played my dear). She has pressed the Call Button, that is the noise it makes, "Ding". Such a cute noise, I did tell her that she had to use it and not touch someone passing by. She does want a drink I am guessing. I walk back and I ask her if I can help her. "Get me a White Wine". No please or thank you. Just that "Get me a White Wine". Sarcastic is as sarcastic does, I am owning my earlier smile after she was touching me.
I guess not everyone was raised the way I was. If you have ever asked for anything in my house you had to end the statement with a very firm "Woman". I was just lucky she is not keeping her Pimphand strong. I say, "I will ask the flight attendant in your section to get you a White Wine was there anything else" She replies "Ya Ice, a glass of Ice your wine is never cold enough".
"My Wine?" is never cold enough? I didn't make the wine, or the refrigeration system lady. My guess is the wine you drink at home is so cold because you take the bladder out of the box so it can more easily fit over the pizza boxes and KFC containers you have in your fridge. OK you are going to have to keep it together BigGlasses. This isn't a personal attack on you. You do have a fridge full of cold wine. You are a good flight attendant that makes sure everyone is well taken care of you are just having a bad day because strangers are touching you and you really need to calm down and relax. Then I feel it again, that touch, not soft but firm. Far beyond lite, more of a probe. Like saying "how are ya now" to an old friend when you are 4 beer deep just to creep them out. "He made me do it again" The same voice, an even bigger gap filled smile from the same British Lady. I'm guessing a few cocktails and two prostrate exams into the day.
"I need into to Lav Honey" I hear as she pushes against me and squeezes by. Awesome I am the only male Flight Attendant on this plane and I am being passed around like a piece of meat. Women groping me, calling me "Honey". When does this dream life I lead ever end? How did I get so lucky? Fantasies do come true if you leave University kids. Don't go for the education, go for the party. You too can travel to far off places, meet strange people and start your own line of Voodoo Dolls.
How can this day get any better? Well on the positive side our frequent flyer from the trailer park is now able to order drinks without touching me. And after two more Caesars Granny is only fondling me in her sleep! Thanks be to alcohol at 40,000 ft. But the final feather in my hat is about to put this BigBlasses Bird past the tipping point.
Grandpa! Grannies husband, he is on a bit of a tear. While she is sleeping and the seat belt sign is off he is all over the place. Talking to others going to the wedding he is paying for. He is buying them all drinks and making sure they all know he bought the tickets for this flight. "Don't worry it is all on me" HE says more than once. He lets a few of us know he has many patents, and he is very wealthy. This is the 10th Wedding he has had to pay for. That doesn't count the 3 of his own. 3 wives, 10 kids, 20 some grand kids and very deep pockets. You'd think he might have used some of it for finishing school.
British accents might make you sound proper but this old guy was the furthest thing from it. I would have cut him off a long time ago. But the girls think he is charming...to a point. That point is the one to many drinks where he is now offering a trip into his deep pockets via the bed room. He offers one of the girls $1,000,000 to make "Her" dreams comes true. I am thinking that would involve putting a muzzle on this old fart. He insists that he has the cash and would be more than happy to pay for one of the girls to accompany him to the wedding for the weekend. I hear this statement and try to divert some of his attention. We are standing in the back galley getting another round ready and for Grandpa to follow us around the plane so he can point out where the next drink he bought for the person he paid for the flight is going. He seriously makes the offer. I say "I'll do it for $500" again joking trying to take the focus off my coworker. Just letting him know that I am there and I do not think he should be talking to a lady as he was. Good on me right? Wrong.
After the drinks are delivered he thanks me and leans in to whisper something in my ear. I am expecting an apology or "Thank You", or "Your doing a great job" or "Must be nice to work with all these beautiful women". Not the following statement...."I've 10 kids and I'm not even allowed to practice anymore, you'd not believe what I'd do to you." WOW creepy to a whole new level. First Grandma now Gramps. Obviously they are into an alternative lifestyle I do not want to be apart of. I just smile and laugh. It had to be a joke, he is drunk and married to a wonderful woman that I can hear snoring from the other end of the aircraft. As I look at him he gives me a wink and I back myself away to the safety of the galley. We should have a door, I really need a door!!
As I get there right around row 20, I am finding my legs as again, the call button rings and I decide everyone is just there to try and make me flip out. But this isn't about me it is about you and how you should fly. I mean sleep. Please and Thanks if your going somewhere just close you eyes if your normal we have enough of the Nutters to deal with.
And Grandma if you need a date to dance on the old guys grave when he is gone give me a call.
I love a British Accent.
PS The next "Ding" I get is just before landing. Our White Wine friend has filled her Airsickness Bag. She has also managed to cover herself and the person beside her with vomit. I hope the heat doesn't make that any smellier with her long wait at immigration... Big Smile.
This flight starts with a wonderful crew. A mix of veterans and a newbies which is always fun. We are also going someplace warm with a chance to bask in the humidity for an entire hour before we load up and head back to a hotel someplace far away, and not nearly as all inclusive as we would like. That is correct, right back where we started. We are also on the 3rd day of working together so the feeling out part is done with. We know what we like and dislike about each other. We have all been in love with, and hated what the other has done. We each know that we are the best at what we do, and we are about to throw ourselves into making it the best experience we can for the people that are now coming in to our lives.
The flight down goes like this. Most people are just excited. They are loud. One or two have had a drink maybe 2 at the most. And as long as they have a seat on the flight they really don't care where it is, if the seat reclines, or everyone has showered. So important, the showering part that is. Expectations are at a minimum. The flight is sort of a long sit before the party begins....Well except for a few people.
We have to have a few needy people. Walking on the plane you can tell because they ask if the bar is open. "When do we get drinks?" It depends on where you are seated, and when we get to the drink service. See first there is a few other things we have to do. Like make sure everyone is here with their bags stowed, a safety demonstration, taxi out to the runway, take off, stabilize at a reasonably high altitude, make sure things are good. "Well can do those things really fast and get to the drinks?" She interrupts me. Yes I can, I can absolutely, I can do a lot of things fast. Mostly pass judgements and suppress things I really want to say. Lucky for me, I have a Blog.
If you really need a drink before you put away your bags maybe you need to rethink your vacation plans. If I were you I'd be asking the folks at the liquor store if you could set up a tent in the beer fridge. Might be the only way you really find happiness whilst having a relaxing day away from home.
Minutes later... "Here Comes The Bride", and she is beautiful, friendly nice and a shining example of how to fly. With her is a group of guys with Movember 70 Porn Star Style Mustaches' and an older couple that look very happy. Now between the over 70 crowd and the guys that are in their late 20's with funny facial hair I always think the guys with the mustaches are going to be trouble. They do look like they are ready for the flight wide eyed, loud, listening to what sounds like heavy metal as they pass by. My spider senses are tingling. Wait for it, Yes! Right there someone touched my bum. I turn quickly only to see... GRANNY!?!?! No way I was just goosed by Granny.
She smiles and tries to blame it on Grandpa!?! "He made me do it." She says in her sexiest voice, which is even sexier since she is British and doesn't have a full compliment of teeth to hold in all that sexiness. Now I am flustered, I am embarrassed as I was focused on the Handle Bar Groomsmen and then I got blindsided by Granny. Wow, tunnel vision alert kids. You focus on one situation and another can quickly come up behind you and gently caress your bottom with the skill and dexterity of a seasoned proctologist. I was amazed, violated but still, ya mostly violated. My inner dialogue is running all over the place. I decide to just go on and assist were I can with bags. Say nothing, keep your head down. You have almost 4 hours on this plane you will have your moment don't force your hand yet. I walk away and plot my revenge.
So to recap we have 3 wedding parties, a handful of drinkers, and a sexually charge Granny on board. OK lets close the door and get this party started. We do the demo in record time. Our lead is talking like an auctioneer, literally, I can barely keep up. But the crowd loves it, especially the lady who requested a drink on her way in. Step one out of the way. Now to taxi. Wow even faster, our Captain drives this thing like he stole it. The entire taxi I see the same lady cheering almost the entire way. Not sure if she is excited about the fact we are leaving or that she actually found the right plane?
Up, Up and Away!!! In the air with almost 4 hours till we touchdown in a much hotter, more humid, and sunnier destination. Not one person isn't already looking out the window in hopes of seeing the island we are flying to. No one is sleeping, everyone is craning their neck out a window looking four hours into the future to see what sunny beaches they will soon be calling their own. I am walking through to make sure everyone is breathing and I feel a hand on my leg as I get 4 rows away from the back galley. A little side note. Your inches away from my manhood, your not invited, if I can't touch you there...fill in the blank. Never mind, You Can't Touch Me! Lets remember you bought a ticket for a plane trip not a lap dance.
Please if we ever cross paths (and I hope we do) here are the very basic rules to follow. Listen, Sit, and keep your hands to yourself. It is just like going to School except at 500 miles an hour, and a little closer to God than you ever thought you'd be. This isn't a flying bar or dance club. That is exactly what is going through my head as I hear the next words out of this ladies mouth. "Are you going to get me that drink Now?" To recap we are finished all the things I had mentioned to her earlier. We have done the demo, taxi, takeoff etc. So I guess she is correct in assuming that she can NOW have a drink. I stop myself, get my smile on and give her a slow clear rundown on the service we are going to be offering her on the flight. First we come through with immigration forms, then some snacks, THEN we do the drinks. "After the drinks we do other things, then more food and then more drinks. So we will have a total of two drink services, but, if you need a drink other than at those times please feel free to press the flight attendant call button and the flight attendant in your section will come and take your beverage order. You don't have to touch us, just the button please." I smile again and she takes her hand off my leg. I begin to walk away and I am thinking to myself wow this diet is really working when I hear it. I really didn't expect it, but, I guess I asked for it. "Ding"
I turn to see the same lady with an equally huge smile on her face (well played my dear). She has pressed the Call Button, that is the noise it makes, "Ding". Such a cute noise, I did tell her that she had to use it and not touch someone passing by. She does want a drink I am guessing. I walk back and I ask her if I can help her. "Get me a White Wine". No please or thank you. Just that "Get me a White Wine". Sarcastic is as sarcastic does, I am owning my earlier smile after she was touching me.
I guess not everyone was raised the way I was. If you have ever asked for anything in my house you had to end the statement with a very firm "Woman". I was just lucky she is not keeping her Pimphand strong. I say, "I will ask the flight attendant in your section to get you a White Wine was there anything else" She replies "Ya Ice, a glass of Ice your wine is never cold enough".
"My Wine?" is never cold enough? I didn't make the wine, or the refrigeration system lady. My guess is the wine you drink at home is so cold because you take the bladder out of the box so it can more easily fit over the pizza boxes and KFC containers you have in your fridge. OK you are going to have to keep it together BigGlasses. This isn't a personal attack on you. You do have a fridge full of cold wine. You are a good flight attendant that makes sure everyone is well taken care of you are just having a bad day because strangers are touching you and you really need to calm down and relax. Then I feel it again, that touch, not soft but firm. Far beyond lite, more of a probe. Like saying "how are ya now" to an old friend when you are 4 beer deep just to creep them out. "He made me do it again" The same voice, an even bigger gap filled smile from the same British Lady. I'm guessing a few cocktails and two prostrate exams into the day.
"I need into to Lav Honey" I hear as she pushes against me and squeezes by. Awesome I am the only male Flight Attendant on this plane and I am being passed around like a piece of meat. Women groping me, calling me "Honey". When does this dream life I lead ever end? How did I get so lucky? Fantasies do come true if you leave University kids. Don't go for the education, go for the party. You too can travel to far off places, meet strange people and start your own line of Voodoo Dolls.
How can this day get any better? Well on the positive side our frequent flyer from the trailer park is now able to order drinks without touching me. And after two more Caesars Granny is only fondling me in her sleep! Thanks be to alcohol at 40,000 ft. But the final feather in my hat is about to put this BigBlasses Bird past the tipping point.
Grandpa! Grannies husband, he is on a bit of a tear. While she is sleeping and the seat belt sign is off he is all over the place. Talking to others going to the wedding he is paying for. He is buying them all drinks and making sure they all know he bought the tickets for this flight. "Don't worry it is all on me" HE says more than once. He lets a few of us know he has many patents, and he is very wealthy. This is the 10th Wedding he has had to pay for. That doesn't count the 3 of his own. 3 wives, 10 kids, 20 some grand kids and very deep pockets. You'd think he might have used some of it for finishing school.
British accents might make you sound proper but this old guy was the furthest thing from it. I would have cut him off a long time ago. But the girls think he is charming...to a point. That point is the one to many drinks where he is now offering a trip into his deep pockets via the bed room. He offers one of the girls $1,000,000 to make "Her" dreams comes true. I am thinking that would involve putting a muzzle on this old fart. He insists that he has the cash and would be more than happy to pay for one of the girls to accompany him to the wedding for the weekend. I hear this statement and try to divert some of his attention. We are standing in the back galley getting another round ready and for Grandpa to follow us around the plane so he can point out where the next drink he bought for the person he paid for the flight is going. He seriously makes the offer. I say "I'll do it for $500" again joking trying to take the focus off my coworker. Just letting him know that I am there and I do not think he should be talking to a lady as he was. Good on me right? Wrong.
After the drinks are delivered he thanks me and leans in to whisper something in my ear. I am expecting an apology or "Thank You", or "Your doing a great job" or "Must be nice to work with all these beautiful women". Not the following statement...."I've 10 kids and I'm not even allowed to practice anymore, you'd not believe what I'd do to you." WOW creepy to a whole new level. First Grandma now Gramps. Obviously they are into an alternative lifestyle I do not want to be apart of. I just smile and laugh. It had to be a joke, he is drunk and married to a wonderful woman that I can hear snoring from the other end of the aircraft. As I look at him he gives me a wink and I back myself away to the safety of the galley. We should have a door, I really need a door!!
As I get there right around row 20, I am finding my legs as again, the call button rings and I decide everyone is just there to try and make me flip out. But this isn't about me it is about you and how you should fly. I mean sleep. Please and Thanks if your going somewhere just close you eyes if your normal we have enough of the Nutters to deal with.
And Grandma if you need a date to dance on the old guys grave when he is gone give me a call.
I love a British Accent.
PS The next "Ding" I get is just before landing. Our White Wine friend has filled her Airsickness Bag. She has also managed to cover herself and the person beside her with vomit. I hope the heat doesn't make that any smellier with her long wait at immigration... Big Smile.
July 11, 2011
Vacation Destination and Graduation = Full Frontal Fun!
Now where to begin today. Flying to the warmer destinations is always fun. On the way down people are so excited. Going for vacation, weddings, family reunions and even Grad Parties. Today we will not be talking about the way down, the amazing energy, the huge amounts of drinks you sell as the party is about to get started. Today we will examine a flight were the vacation is OVER and you now have to drag your over exposed, hungover selves to the airport. This flight found us loading up a group of over 100 recent grads from 3 different High Schools onto a plane for a 4 Hour Plus flight BACK to their parents eagerly awaiting them at the airport. The way down must have been very high energy indeed.
Boarding begins with me returning from a quick trip in for some Duty Free Goodies. I am very surprised that the average age coming back with us looks to be 18, maybe 19. A great deal of them also have 2nd to 3rd degree burns on the exposed skin which I am thinking is too sore to even try and apply aloe on. Not that I want to do this, we all know lotion and strangers under 20 is just creepy.
On the plane it is obvious the party is over and energy is at an all time low. Everyone is very polite. Especially the ladies on this trip. "Did you want to go first?" or "Sorry Sir am I in your way?" Very beautiful intelligent young women that looked tired but at least had the sense not to go binge drinking the last day before the long flight home. Most of the guys are very well behaved as well but there is a group of 5 that have instantly caught my attention. They obviously lacked sunscreen and common sense. Maybe you just need common sense and the sunscreen would sort of follow?
One guy is seated and almost asleep during the boarding process. Another smaller guy that is standing near him is having a hard time keeping his eyes open while he is standing up. Now it isn't a big deal if your tired before a flight. It is actually very much encouraged. You sleep, and I have one less person to take care of. But showing up drunk and sun burnt is another story all together. You could, depending on the severity of the burn and the amount of alcohol, become over 2 hours of paper work after the 4 hours of medical attention we have to give you on the way home. That is over 6 hours of my life you have no right to impose upon.
The other three guys are being very loud at the back of the plane and the guests that are not with the group are not pleased, their faces say; "This is what I saved up all year for?" I am as concerned for the others that weren't on the Grad Trip, as I am the ability of these 5 young guys to make it back home as planned. We do need a bit of order to make sure everyone is Happily heading home.
Is it hunger or supressed mental anguish? I am tired from the trip down. All I have eaten is a protein bar and I have never been one to hide my hunger. I also just missed my own 20 year reunion to work this flight. Maybe I'm working through a bit of that today as well. I am admittedly cranky from hunger. Anyone that went to school with me will tell you I was a GEEK, mixed with Wannabe and the furthest thing from a JOCK that you could ever envision. So my actions might be looked at as a bit of revenge, but, I am into well over 1000 hours of therapy. I think this had nothing to do with not fitting during high school at all. I will ask Karen tomorrow night.
Out of the five I go with the shortest ...ok the smallest, "You come with me please!" Blinky is the guy who is having a hard time focusing and he now has a task, walking to the back galley. He snaps straight up and it is obvious that he knows walking a straight line and keeping his eyes open are his new job. We get to the back galley. He is the smallest of the group. Now I am not a bully I just know if you go for the smallest your chances of getting him on your side are in your favor. "You know they are talking about you being too drunk for this flight right?" I say to him in a voice that brings him back to being in the Principal's office (Respects to BYM). His wide eyes now more focused than ever, "Who says that I'm too drunk?" I let him know that it is the people in his section saying that he has been drinking all day and they think he could be throwing up in their general direction at any moment. "No I wasn't drinking since we left the resort." He is obviously lying unless the resort he is speaking of is the airport bar or worse the Duty Free Shop. Everyone is very interested in this conversation, a lot of eyes are staring back towards us standing in the galley now. Especially the three guys holding Wendy's take out cups. The same style of cup that is stuffed into the seat pocket of this guys friend around row 13. The same guy everyone is trying to trade seats away from.
I tell him he better be on his best behavior for the flight and not to be disturbing the other guests in his section. I also tell him if I catch him drinking I will have the authorities meet the aircraft. I want nothing more than to get him home without a police escort. I also am not looking for the chance to be cleaning up puke from a chain reaction of 100 high school kids with weak gag reflexes on a 4+ hour flight. He promises me he will not be a bother, we pound fists and he wobbles off back to his seat. I don't see a problem. If he is the drunkest, at his size, as long as they have all consumed about the same we should be all good. Next step is to make sure no more booze is consumed.
Now yes he was the smaller of his friends, and a little drunker but now the Wendy's cup crew is asking him questions as he walks back to his seat. I see one mouth the phrase, "Are We Cool?" If you have to ask, than your not. I know I'm not cool, I'm a father of two teenage kids. This bigger taller guy is obviously worked up about something might have been said. I am going to be keeping an extra keen eye on him and his two seatmates.
Now the fun begins. I think we might have some young guys that are going to try to pull the wool over our eyes. Not that it is a big deal to bring duty free booze on a plane. But it is a huge deal to OPEN then drink that duty free booze while in flight as it can affect:
A) Our Companies Liquor License
B) My employment at said company
C) The unknown results when you combine Heat Stroke, Alcohol and Testosterone at 40,000 ft.
These guys aren't huge but I'm surprisingly weak for my size and tough went out the window with my last drink. I don't look for trouble and I certainly have bigger friends then myself to hide behind when I do go out drinking. We have all seen it, some people can't hold their liquor and do turn aggressive. Drinking before, or during, a flight is different. Honestly we know what happens and it isn't the same as at sea level. The general rule is two to one. For every drink on the ground you've now had two in the air. How much did you have prior to getting on the plane. Minutes after takeoff we know who has had the most, Sleepy and Blinky are in a coma like state, as long as they are breathing they are now my new favorites. My worry is the other 3 sitting together that I have yet to speak with. They are having a grand old time entertaining everyone for a 4 aisle radius. They are talking very loudly and drinking from what seems to be bottomless Wendy's cups. Now it is time to bust up the little party.
As I am dragging my cart to begin beverage service I smell Rum. Not just any Rum, but Dark Rum, the angriest of all Rums. It brings out the worse in anyone that dares to drink it. I know the smell cause I love the stuff. If I wasn't working I would be sitting down with them, and I would be just as loud (ok louder) and a lot better looking, really this uniform does nothing for my body type.
It smells like great stuff too. It is coming from the Wendy's cups they brought on board. So the discussion begins. "Do you smell Rum?" I ask them. Two of the three take a direct interest in the darkness out the window to their left. "Ummm, its all good." This is from the guy who later comes back to change his shirt in the aft galley (I did mention full frontal). I interrupt "No actually that isn't cool at all. You guys have some booze you didn't buy from us in those cups that I am now taking away." He starts to pass the cup when he stops and asks. "Do we have to give you all the cups?" He thinks he is being cute, I feel the same way when I drink Dark Rum so I stay calm even if my frontal lobe starts to swell. I calmly and simply say "Yes, and you would also be best to give me any bottles of open duty free you have in your bags at your feet. Unless you want the police to be taking you to meet your parents at the luggage carousel."
All cups come over and on his word there are no open bottles on the plane. They really don't look to put off by it as I think they might have had enough booze over the past week. Or they just don't want to end up in a coma like their friends in row 13. Reminds me I have to check their vitals and I continue off to begin beverage service.
Everything is nice and quiet, everyone is sleeping, watching TV or having their picture taken with the boys in a Dark Rum Coma. One might also be covered in stickers that say things like "Flight Attendant In Training".
Stay thirsty my friends.
Boarding begins with me returning from a quick trip in for some Duty Free Goodies. I am very surprised that the average age coming back with us looks to be 18, maybe 19. A great deal of them also have 2nd to 3rd degree burns on the exposed skin which I am thinking is too sore to even try and apply aloe on. Not that I want to do this, we all know lotion and strangers under 20 is just creepy.
On the plane it is obvious the party is over and energy is at an all time low. Everyone is very polite. Especially the ladies on this trip. "Did you want to go first?" or "Sorry Sir am I in your way?" Very beautiful intelligent young women that looked tired but at least had the sense not to go binge drinking the last day before the long flight home. Most of the guys are very well behaved as well but there is a group of 5 that have instantly caught my attention. They obviously lacked sunscreen and common sense. Maybe you just need common sense and the sunscreen would sort of follow?
One guy is seated and almost asleep during the boarding process. Another smaller guy that is standing near him is having a hard time keeping his eyes open while he is standing up. Now it isn't a big deal if your tired before a flight. It is actually very much encouraged. You sleep, and I have one less person to take care of. But showing up drunk and sun burnt is another story all together. You could, depending on the severity of the burn and the amount of alcohol, become over 2 hours of paper work after the 4 hours of medical attention we have to give you on the way home. That is over 6 hours of my life you have no right to impose upon.
The other three guys are being very loud at the back of the plane and the guests that are not with the group are not pleased, their faces say; "This is what I saved up all year for?" I am as concerned for the others that weren't on the Grad Trip, as I am the ability of these 5 young guys to make it back home as planned. We do need a bit of order to make sure everyone is Happily heading home.
Is it hunger or supressed mental anguish? I am tired from the trip down. All I have eaten is a protein bar and I have never been one to hide my hunger. I also just missed my own 20 year reunion to work this flight. Maybe I'm working through a bit of that today as well. I am admittedly cranky from hunger. Anyone that went to school with me will tell you I was a GEEK, mixed with Wannabe and the furthest thing from a JOCK that you could ever envision. So my actions might be looked at as a bit of revenge, but, I am into well over 1000 hours of therapy. I think this had nothing to do with not fitting during high school at all. I will ask Karen tomorrow night.
Out of the five I go with the shortest ...ok the smallest, "You come with me please!" Blinky is the guy who is having a hard time focusing and he now has a task, walking to the back galley. He snaps straight up and it is obvious that he knows walking a straight line and keeping his eyes open are his new job. We get to the back galley. He is the smallest of the group. Now I am not a bully I just know if you go for the smallest your chances of getting him on your side are in your favor. "You know they are talking about you being too drunk for this flight right?" I say to him in a voice that brings him back to being in the Principal's office (Respects to BYM). His wide eyes now more focused than ever, "Who says that I'm too drunk?" I let him know that it is the people in his section saying that he has been drinking all day and they think he could be throwing up in their general direction at any moment. "No I wasn't drinking since we left the resort." He is obviously lying unless the resort he is speaking of is the airport bar or worse the Duty Free Shop. Everyone is very interested in this conversation, a lot of eyes are staring back towards us standing in the galley now. Especially the three guys holding Wendy's take out cups. The same style of cup that is stuffed into the seat pocket of this guys friend around row 13. The same guy everyone is trying to trade seats away from.
I tell him he better be on his best behavior for the flight and not to be disturbing the other guests in his section. I also tell him if I catch him drinking I will have the authorities meet the aircraft. I want nothing more than to get him home without a police escort. I also am not looking for the chance to be cleaning up puke from a chain reaction of 100 high school kids with weak gag reflexes on a 4+ hour flight. He promises me he will not be a bother, we pound fists and he wobbles off back to his seat. I don't see a problem. If he is the drunkest, at his size, as long as they have all consumed about the same we should be all good. Next step is to make sure no more booze is consumed.
Now yes he was the smaller of his friends, and a little drunker but now the Wendy's cup crew is asking him questions as he walks back to his seat. I see one mouth the phrase, "Are We Cool?" If you have to ask, than your not. I know I'm not cool, I'm a father of two teenage kids. This bigger taller guy is obviously worked up about something might have been said. I am going to be keeping an extra keen eye on him and his two seatmates.
Now the fun begins. I think we might have some young guys that are going to try to pull the wool over our eyes. Not that it is a big deal to bring duty free booze on a plane. But it is a huge deal to OPEN then drink that duty free booze while in flight as it can affect:
A) Our Companies Liquor License
B) My employment at said company
C) The unknown results when you combine Heat Stroke, Alcohol and Testosterone at 40,000 ft.
These guys aren't huge but I'm surprisingly weak for my size and tough went out the window with my last drink. I don't look for trouble and I certainly have bigger friends then myself to hide behind when I do go out drinking. We have all seen it, some people can't hold their liquor and do turn aggressive. Drinking before, or during, a flight is different. Honestly we know what happens and it isn't the same as at sea level. The general rule is two to one. For every drink on the ground you've now had two in the air. How much did you have prior to getting on the plane. Minutes after takeoff we know who has had the most, Sleepy and Blinky are in a coma like state, as long as they are breathing they are now my new favorites. My worry is the other 3 sitting together that I have yet to speak with. They are having a grand old time entertaining everyone for a 4 aisle radius. They are talking very loudly and drinking from what seems to be bottomless Wendy's cups. Now it is time to bust up the little party.
As I am dragging my cart to begin beverage service I smell Rum. Not just any Rum, but Dark Rum, the angriest of all Rums. It brings out the worse in anyone that dares to drink it. I know the smell cause I love the stuff. If I wasn't working I would be sitting down with them, and I would be just as loud (ok louder) and a lot better looking, really this uniform does nothing for my body type.
It smells like great stuff too. It is coming from the Wendy's cups they brought on board. So the discussion begins. "Do you smell Rum?" I ask them. Two of the three take a direct interest in the darkness out the window to their left. "Ummm, its all good." This is from the guy who later comes back to change his shirt in the aft galley (I did mention full frontal). I interrupt "No actually that isn't cool at all. You guys have some booze you didn't buy from us in those cups that I am now taking away." He starts to pass the cup when he stops and asks. "Do we have to give you all the cups?" He thinks he is being cute, I feel the same way when I drink Dark Rum so I stay calm even if my frontal lobe starts to swell. I calmly and simply say "Yes, and you would also be best to give me any bottles of open duty free you have in your bags at your feet. Unless you want the police to be taking you to meet your parents at the luggage carousel."
All cups come over and on his word there are no open bottles on the plane. They really don't look to put off by it as I think they might have had enough booze over the past week. Or they just don't want to end up in a coma like their friends in row 13. Reminds me I have to check their vitals and I continue off to begin beverage service.
Everything is nice and quiet, everyone is sleeping, watching TV or having their picture taken with the boys in a Dark Rum Coma. One might also be covered in stickers that say things like "Flight Attendant In Training".
Stay thirsty my friends.
July 04, 2011
Another Day Another Day..or was that the same Day?
So this morning was a VERY early check in, in a Far Eastern Time Zone. Basically that is like waking up without sleeping. I mean you do sleep but it is more like closing your eyes and opening them every 10 minutes before you are eventually answering the phone call no flight attendant ever wants to answer, "Hey where are you? We are all in the van and your not."
Not such a big deal if you are a Roadie, Carnie, or Lead Singer in some amazing musical group that covers Dexy's Midnight Runners. But if you are a trained safety specialist who is actually 30 seconds late...your buying coffee for the crew (luckily for me it is too early for a coffee shop to be open. Score!)
Your awake now! Your heart is pumping, your showering, your dressing and your in the van 15 seconds after the phone rang. I think every flight attendant does the same thing. We get ready the night before. Before you let yourself do anything else you actually iron, pack, shave, shower and then proceed to go to bed. The reason being there are two types of people in this industry. "Those it has happened to, and; those it is going to happen to".
If you are a flight attendant you are eventually going to sleep in. Your going to have someone smoke on a plane. Your going to have someone puke on you. Your going to have a mysterious man in a trench coat tell you "Water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". He will tell you this as he is going into the Lav. Now this was just last week. I knew this guy was going to take us back to a discussion about Nutters as soon as I first laid eyes on him.
I was sitting with a great crew who I just met. We were all sitting at the top of the gate waiting for the ability to get back to our plane. We are sitting beside a giant toy built for kids. In some of the larger airports they have distractions for children. Toys and such that allow the younger kids under 5 to play and parents to Facebook. They also allow you to be introduced to another form of the Nutter.
He wears a trench coat and a hat that would make Indiana Jones proud. He looks closer to Indiana's father if he let himself go. He also wears Crocs with socks. Full on Nutter with a Pedo side profile. How does he think that is a disguise? First rule, lay low, is gone out the emergency window exit once that many rules of fashion are broken. Next if your are reading this you are too old to be playing with distractions at the airport without a child. If you are too old to be playing, you are obviously trying to find your next victim. Especially if your hanging around the toy section wearing this outfit.
OK luckily security is everywhere and they let us back down to the plane. We are boarding with no sign of this guy. Here comes the gate agent I am very happy, he isn't on my flight. Right? Wrong... Agent says we are just waiting on the last flyer to finish up a saying goodbye to his friends in the sandbox and he will be along shortly.
Here he comes. Indiana, he now wants to be the last person on the plane. Wants to touch the plane, and do some weird chant prior to getting into his window seat beside two very nice people. These nice people are now just as glad as I am that they are over the age of 5. His eyes are everywhere, he is talking to himself and not being quiet about. At least he takes the safety features card out during the demo. He also answers his cell phone but I am pretty sure it was an alarm and not an actual call. The alarm to let him know he had a flight today. Why couldn't he have missed that alarm? Why couldn't he be owing someone a coffee. Not that I would want to accept any hot liquids from this guy.
Anyway from here it is a short flight. So short in fact we are only serving water. Water without ice. We all know that water without ice is warm and warm water excites the weird. As we are doing service the mad hatter says he NEEDS ice. I tell him if I have time I can get him some ice but I have to get the rest of the passengers a glass of water before I attempt to take care of his special request.
We finish up with service, I head back to put everything away. He is in my galley. Just me and him as he waits for the Lav. He now has my attention cause you never turn your back on a Nutter. "I needed ice, I needed cold water" he says. "Sorry Sir did you want some now?" I ask. "NO, it is too late, water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". I am processing this statement when the door opens and he now enters the Lav. He is still talking to himself. I am trying to think about fluffy bunnies.
So ya, it was an interesting day and I am very glad that we have groomers that clean the Lavs where we are going. So glad. Even thankful. Fluffy Bunnies. Fluffy Bunnies.
OK well stay in school kids, and if we went to school happy reunion, you win!
Not such a big deal if you are a Roadie, Carnie, or Lead Singer in some amazing musical group that covers Dexy's Midnight Runners. But if you are a trained safety specialist who is actually 30 seconds late...your buying coffee for the crew (luckily for me it is too early for a coffee shop to be open. Score!)
Your awake now! Your heart is pumping, your showering, your dressing and your in the van 15 seconds after the phone rang. I think every flight attendant does the same thing. We get ready the night before. Before you let yourself do anything else you actually iron, pack, shave, shower and then proceed to go to bed. The reason being there are two types of people in this industry. "Those it has happened to, and; those it is going to happen to".
If you are a flight attendant you are eventually going to sleep in. Your going to have someone smoke on a plane. Your going to have someone puke on you. Your going to have a mysterious man in a trench coat tell you "Water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". He will tell you this as he is going into the Lav. Now this was just last week. I knew this guy was going to take us back to a discussion about Nutters as soon as I first laid eyes on him.
I was sitting with a great crew who I just met. We were all sitting at the top of the gate waiting for the ability to get back to our plane. We are sitting beside a giant toy built for kids. In some of the larger airports they have distractions for children. Toys and such that allow the younger kids under 5 to play and parents to Facebook. They also allow you to be introduced to another form of the Nutter.
He wears a trench coat and a hat that would make Indiana Jones proud. He looks closer to Indiana's father if he let himself go. He also wears Crocs with socks. Full on Nutter with a Pedo side profile. How does he think that is a disguise? First rule, lay low, is gone out the emergency window exit once that many rules of fashion are broken. Next if your are reading this you are too old to be playing with distractions at the airport without a child. If you are too old to be playing, you are obviously trying to find your next victim. Especially if your hanging around the toy section wearing this outfit.
OK luckily security is everywhere and they let us back down to the plane. We are boarding with no sign of this guy. Here comes the gate agent I am very happy, he isn't on my flight. Right? Wrong... Agent says we are just waiting on the last flyer to finish up a saying goodbye to his friends in the sandbox and he will be along shortly.
Here he comes. Indiana, he now wants to be the last person on the plane. Wants to touch the plane, and do some weird chant prior to getting into his window seat beside two very nice people. These nice people are now just as glad as I am that they are over the age of 5. His eyes are everywhere, he is talking to himself and not being quiet about. At least he takes the safety features card out during the demo. He also answers his cell phone but I am pretty sure it was an alarm and not an actual call. The alarm to let him know he had a flight today. Why couldn't he have missed that alarm? Why couldn't he be owing someone a coffee. Not that I would want to accept any hot liquids from this guy.
Anyway from here it is a short flight. So short in fact we are only serving water. Water without ice. We all know that water without ice is warm and warm water excites the weird. As we are doing service the mad hatter says he NEEDS ice. I tell him if I have time I can get him some ice but I have to get the rest of the passengers a glass of water before I attempt to take care of his special request.
We finish up with service, I head back to put everything away. He is in my galley. Just me and him as he waits for the Lav. He now has my attention cause you never turn your back on a Nutter. "I needed ice, I needed cold water" he says. "Sorry Sir did you want some now?" I ask. "NO, it is too late, water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". I am processing this statement when the door opens and he now enters the Lav. He is still talking to himself. I am trying to think about fluffy bunnies.
So ya, it was an interesting day and I am very glad that we have groomers that clean the Lavs where we are going. So glad. Even thankful. Fluffy Bunnies. Fluffy Bunnies.
OK well stay in school kids, and if we went to school happy reunion, you win!
June 23, 2011
Pets Aren't Passengers In Fur Coats
So when it comes to flying you need to remember one thing, "Your Being Judged". Crew, and guests alike someone is watching you, taking notes and if your lucky not writing about you in some strange Blog out in cyberspace.
The best advice I can give you is to lay low. Don't worry about being a bother, just don't be a Nutter.
Pet Owners come in two varieties. Normals and Nutters. Normals make sure the pet goes into Cargo. Nutters always bring the pet into the cabin. I don't mean to generalize, but, whenever I see a kennel in the cabin I am always reminded that nervous cats with weak bowels are the smelliest creatures on earth. Or there is a woman out there who breast feeds her cat. Those are other stories for another day. Today we will relive ......"The Princess and the Puppy".
First off this happened close to Christmas, so I am not able to be with the people I love. I might have been a little on edge. OK, it was Boxing Day and I was maybe a little hungover and not going to put up with any attitude from a Nutter, especially a pet owning princess off to shop her pampered ass of in Florida.
The story begins as I was covering for my co-worker who was getting herself ready for the flight to Florida (puking her guts up in the Lav). I'm checking boarding passes and greeting the passengers, as she isn't having a battle with morning sickness, why would she, her husband isn't fertile?
The pre board passengers are on the way down. These are the guests with special needs, young children and the like. First to arrive are a party of 3 who are obviously very well off. They were all carrying matching Louis Vuitton Luggage right down to the Pet Kennel which was tucked neatly under one ladies arm as she paraded into the cabin with a dog on a leash.
I now have to quickly, and in a very friendly manner, let this lady know the 5 lbs of dog has to go into the designer kennel as we have regulations that are in the best interest of all our passengers. We do have passengers that have allergies afterall. She dismisses me, "Yes as soon as I get to my seat", and she walks right on by. I let her know instantly, "No the cute little puppy has to be placed in the kennel right away, please". This is her first warning.
I will give you a little side note. You only get one warning. As a Crew Member I am not a power tripping egotistical air head looking for any excuse to tell you what to do. I am trying to keep a job that finds most of us overpaid high school grads with a means to hit a sunny beach or friends wedding whenever we like. Trust me if I have to work the front door of Walmart before my Grandfather kicks off I will never hear the end of it. This job is very important to me cause I am otherwise very unemployable.
As a traveller you do have to listen to Flight Attendants, we are like the deputies of the Captain. If you don't we are obliged, with the Captains blessings, to offer you a Notice From The Captain. The Captain is the Judge and Jury on the aircraft. He can have your ass in a jail (anywhere in the world) as fast as the police can come to meet the aircraft. There are no questions asked after the Captain is involved. If a Notice goes out you can either listen or expect to have a lot of assistance with your bags from the boys in blue not the blonds in wool.
The Princess gets to her seat and does put the dog in the kennel. I am a happy man and a bit surprised I thought there might be an issue. After a few years of flying you get a finely tuned instinct that tells you when a Nutter is in the cabin. Maybe I was wrong, judgemental, hung to gills and just looking for an issue where there was really no need. I mean she was the first person on the plane. No one else was affected and now the dog was in the kennel. End of story.... Wouldn't that be nice?
I am now in the cabin as my co-worker is done figuring out she is pregnant, Merry Christmas! I am walking down to offer the princess a briefing on the expected conditions of having a pet in the cabin. As I arrive I see the cute little puppy sitting on the passenger lap?!? "Hello (super big smile), again, I am just wondering if you have flown with the dog before?" She replies "All the time" and names several airlines that she has flown with. I say "Great, well at this airline we do require the dog is to be in the kennel at all times. You can open the kennel only to administer medication, food or water but the dog must remain inside the kennel at all times. "OH?" she says, "that isn't the way it is on such and such or this other airline. He is allowed to sit on my lap cause that way he doesn't bark and cry".
My inside voice tells me I was right all along, we now have a Nutter. "OK well as I stated we will just have you put the dog into the kennel for our flight today. I do hope you understand not doing so will result in you not being able to fly with us." She nods her head and puts the dog away and I continue to offer the rest of her briefing with regards to flying with the pet in the cabin. We haven't closed the door yet, this is twice that I have spoken to this princess. I tell my co-workers at the back of the aircraft what has transpired and they let me know she has been an issue with them as well. They have each told her to do the same with her dog. If your keeping score she has not listened to a total of 3 Flight Attendants at least 4 times. I call my Lead and she calls the Captain.
Again the Captain is a no nonsense kind of guy. I have flown with him before, honestly one of the better Captains who has your back. He calls back and asks me to offer a Notice from the Captain. He also would like an update to know how it goes. I get the Notice, and go to offer it to the Princess.
The dog is back on her lap! I swear the dog is smiling at me...This is 5 times, I am starting to feel like a joke to this lady and her family as they are all smiling and laughing. I think it must be at the vein in my frontal lobe that us about to explode. "Here is a Notice From The Captain. It is for your information and safety. Please read it carefully." I pass her the piece of paper. A co-worker who is watching this also sees the situation, she calls the Captain and lets him know the dog is back out and the Notice has been issued. I am working on getting the dog back into the kennel when over the PA I hear the Captain. "Ladies and Gentleman we would like to get going but we have a person in the back with a dog that will not listen to the Flight Attendants and put it away. You have a choice comply or you will be asked to leave the plane immediately" It is like the voice of God. I see this lady stuff that dog away like it was a pair of dirty underwear after a bad guess during the game, Do I have to Fart?
Awesome, the Captain has our back. Notice is issued. This lady now knows the dog is in the kennel for the rest of our short flight to Florida. A total of 6 reminders, the voice from above she knows. Right? WRONG!!
Shortly after takeoff as I am doing a walk through I look over only to see 5 lbs of smiling dog looking back at me. We haven't even leveled off yet. We are under 5 minutes into the flight and we are at the seventh time we have to ask this lady to put the poor animal away. I tell the girls at the back and they can't believe me. But after they have to do the same thing at least two times each over the next 2 hours, we all agree, We have a Nutter. We know that something is going to happen. We are done talking and inform the Captain she is not complying with the instructions time and time again.
He requests that the Princess be detained. "Have her stay behind I am going to have a chat with her before she leaves. Get her information from her boarding pass and let her know she will not be able to fly with the dog in the cabin on her return trip." I do as I am instructed and the Princess says she does not have her boarding pass and refuses to give me her name. Using her seat number and our internal resources everything we need. At the end of the flight the Captain comes out. We walk down to the Princess, her two family members and the dog. The dog which is actually inside of the kennel for once.
I begin with a big smile on my face. "OK ladies are we doing some shopping while your down here in Florida?". They reply "YES!" with even bigger smiles on their faces. They actually like the attention I think, they like the fact the Captain has now had to come out to see them off. Maybe they aren't idiots they could just be stunned. The Captain takes over "Well who is Karen"? The lady with the dog offers up "I am". The only thing that could take the smile off her face is the Captains next words. "While your shopping Karen be sure to pick up a hard sided kennel, you'll need it for the mutt on your next flight. Your not bringing it on one of our planes again!"
I have to excuse myself as not to laugh in front of the guest. The Captain escorts them off the plane and gets the Gate Agent to Document the file.
Now not all pet owners are trouble but the ODD ones are. This was an example of the exception. Being an animal lover myself I am having steak for supper and sharing the poisoned leftovers with the Raccoon or Skunk with has been messing with my flowerbeds. Back out flying for the next few days.
We will chat soon.
The best advice I can give you is to lay low. Don't worry about being a bother, just don't be a Nutter.
Pet Owners come in two varieties. Normals and Nutters. Normals make sure the pet goes into Cargo. Nutters always bring the pet into the cabin. I don't mean to generalize, but, whenever I see a kennel in the cabin I am always reminded that nervous cats with weak bowels are the smelliest creatures on earth. Or there is a woman out there who breast feeds her cat. Those are other stories for another day. Today we will relive ......"The Princess and the Puppy".
First off this happened close to Christmas, so I am not able to be with the people I love. I might have been a little on edge. OK, it was Boxing Day and I was maybe a little hungover and not going to put up with any attitude from a Nutter, especially a pet owning princess off to shop her pampered ass of in Florida.
The story begins as I was covering for my co-worker who was getting herself ready for the flight to Florida (puking her guts up in the Lav). I'm checking boarding passes and greeting the passengers, as she isn't having a battle with morning sickness, why would she, her husband isn't fertile?
The pre board passengers are on the way down. These are the guests with special needs, young children and the like. First to arrive are a party of 3 who are obviously very well off. They were all carrying matching Louis Vuitton Luggage right down to the Pet Kennel which was tucked neatly under one ladies arm as she paraded into the cabin with a dog on a leash.
I now have to quickly, and in a very friendly manner, let this lady know the 5 lbs of dog has to go into the designer kennel as we have regulations that are in the best interest of all our passengers. We do have passengers that have allergies afterall. She dismisses me, "Yes as soon as I get to my seat", and she walks right on by. I let her know instantly, "No the cute little puppy has to be placed in the kennel right away, please". This is her first warning.
I will give you a little side note. You only get one warning. As a Crew Member I am not a power tripping egotistical air head looking for any excuse to tell you what to do. I am trying to keep a job that finds most of us overpaid high school grads with a means to hit a sunny beach or friends wedding whenever we like. Trust me if I have to work the front door of Walmart before my Grandfather kicks off I will never hear the end of it. This job is very important to me cause I am otherwise very unemployable.
As a traveller you do have to listen to Flight Attendants, we are like the deputies of the Captain. If you don't we are obliged, with the Captains blessings, to offer you a Notice From The Captain. The Captain is the Judge and Jury on the aircraft. He can have your ass in a jail (anywhere in the world) as fast as the police can come to meet the aircraft. There are no questions asked after the Captain is involved. If a Notice goes out you can either listen or expect to have a lot of assistance with your bags from the boys in blue not the blonds in wool.
The Princess gets to her seat and does put the dog in the kennel. I am a happy man and a bit surprised I thought there might be an issue. After a few years of flying you get a finely tuned instinct that tells you when a Nutter is in the cabin. Maybe I was wrong, judgemental, hung to gills and just looking for an issue where there was really no need. I mean she was the first person on the plane. No one else was affected and now the dog was in the kennel. End of story.... Wouldn't that be nice?
I am now in the cabin as my co-worker is done figuring out she is pregnant, Merry Christmas! I am walking down to offer the princess a briefing on the expected conditions of having a pet in the cabin. As I arrive I see the cute little puppy sitting on the passenger lap?!? "Hello (super big smile), again, I am just wondering if you have flown with the dog before?" She replies "All the time" and names several airlines that she has flown with. I say "Great, well at this airline we do require the dog is to be in the kennel at all times. You can open the kennel only to administer medication, food or water but the dog must remain inside the kennel at all times. "OH?" she says, "that isn't the way it is on such and such or this other airline. He is allowed to sit on my lap cause that way he doesn't bark and cry".
My inside voice tells me I was right all along, we now have a Nutter. "OK well as I stated we will just have you put the dog into the kennel for our flight today. I do hope you understand not doing so will result in you not being able to fly with us." She nods her head and puts the dog away and I continue to offer the rest of her briefing with regards to flying with the pet in the cabin. We haven't closed the door yet, this is twice that I have spoken to this princess. I tell my co-workers at the back of the aircraft what has transpired and they let me know she has been an issue with them as well. They have each told her to do the same with her dog. If your keeping score she has not listened to a total of 3 Flight Attendants at least 4 times. I call my Lead and she calls the Captain.
Again the Captain is a no nonsense kind of guy. I have flown with him before, honestly one of the better Captains who has your back. He calls back and asks me to offer a Notice from the Captain. He also would like an update to know how it goes. I get the Notice, and go to offer it to the Princess.
The dog is back on her lap! I swear the dog is smiling at me...This is 5 times, I am starting to feel like a joke to this lady and her family as they are all smiling and laughing. I think it must be at the vein in my frontal lobe that us about to explode. "Here is a Notice From The Captain. It is for your information and safety. Please read it carefully." I pass her the piece of paper. A co-worker who is watching this also sees the situation, she calls the Captain and lets him know the dog is back out and the Notice has been issued. I am working on getting the dog back into the kennel when over the PA I hear the Captain. "Ladies and Gentleman we would like to get going but we have a person in the back with a dog that will not listen to the Flight Attendants and put it away. You have a choice comply or you will be asked to leave the plane immediately" It is like the voice of God. I see this lady stuff that dog away like it was a pair of dirty underwear after a bad guess during the game, Do I have to Fart?
Awesome, the Captain has our back. Notice is issued. This lady now knows the dog is in the kennel for the rest of our short flight to Florida. A total of 6 reminders, the voice from above she knows. Right? WRONG!!
Shortly after takeoff as I am doing a walk through I look over only to see 5 lbs of smiling dog looking back at me. We haven't even leveled off yet. We are under 5 minutes into the flight and we are at the seventh time we have to ask this lady to put the poor animal away. I tell the girls at the back and they can't believe me. But after they have to do the same thing at least two times each over the next 2 hours, we all agree, We have a Nutter. We know that something is going to happen. We are done talking and inform the Captain she is not complying with the instructions time and time again.
He requests that the Princess be detained. "Have her stay behind I am going to have a chat with her before she leaves. Get her information from her boarding pass and let her know she will not be able to fly with the dog in the cabin on her return trip." I do as I am instructed and the Princess says she does not have her boarding pass and refuses to give me her name. Using her seat number and our internal resources everything we need. At the end of the flight the Captain comes out. We walk down to the Princess, her two family members and the dog. The dog which is actually inside of the kennel for once.
I begin with a big smile on my face. "OK ladies are we doing some shopping while your down here in Florida?". They reply "YES!" with even bigger smiles on their faces. They actually like the attention I think, they like the fact the Captain has now had to come out to see them off. Maybe they aren't idiots they could just be stunned. The Captain takes over "Well who is Karen"? The lady with the dog offers up "I am". The only thing that could take the smile off her face is the Captains next words. "While your shopping Karen be sure to pick up a hard sided kennel, you'll need it for the mutt on your next flight. Your not bringing it on one of our planes again!"
I have to excuse myself as not to laugh in front of the guest. The Captain escorts them off the plane and gets the Gate Agent to Document the file.
Now not all pet owners are trouble but the ODD ones are. This was an example of the exception. Being an animal lover myself I am having steak for supper and sharing the poisoned leftovers with the Raccoon or Skunk with has been messing with my flowerbeds. Back out flying for the next few days.
We will chat soon.
June 22, 2011
Pardon the Interruption....Really, You Should Listen. Part Two
So Now What.... The Doors Are Closed?!?
Well we are talking about Announcements, so once your locked into the "Steel Tube of Shared Air" you do need to know a few things. How to buckle up, how to breathe easily and most importantly how to get out in a hurry...Or as I have heard stated, "Just Follow Me".
Again we are Trained Safety Professionals, as Flight Attendants we know the facts. We are very comfortable with these facts. And in the event of an emergency we are seated closest to the door. Saving lives can only happen if your alive and I nominate myself to offer directions to the nearest bar in the event that something goes wrong. "Just Follow Me".
The Safety Demonstration
So with the Demo, which is a Transport Canada choreographed presentation, we have to be sure that everyone is aware that bad stuff can happen. Such a fun thing to get a crowd to think about just before you go flying!! The ODDS are in your favor. We really can tell you that 99 percent of the time you are completely safe. But Hey, just for fun, lets talk about the 1 percent of the time when you know you don't stand a chance.
Maybe it is the ODDS, but if only you would listen. STOP wondering why the TV isn't working or when the Air Conditioning is going to kick in; or even if you left your virginity back at security.
All you have to do is honestly pay attention, for less then 5 minutes. You do this and your chances of survival are without question STILL up to your age, physical condition and where you are seated.
I might be 39 years old and 20 lbs overweight but look where I am sitting.
***Seat Belts***
Before taking off, just after, and during any bumps we are not only going to tell you to buckle up. We then have to go on crotch patrol to make sure you did it. So make sure your zipper is in the up and locked position and "Get Clicky With It".
***Exits***
There are "X" number of exits on this aircraft. I state the variable due to the different types of aircraft out there and the simple fact that planes break apart.
There could be way more exits than we even tell you about. Go to the light or of course... "Just Follow Me".
***Floor Lighting***
What I'd like to say.
"In the event of a power loss or an emergency, your instinct is going to kick in...Or Your Dead"
We have lights. They are on the floor. Who really cares?
I think being impressed by floor lighting went out with Disco.
Besides when is the last time you heard a survival story from a plane crash that begins with.
"So I am Crawling on my hands and knees..."
***Oxygen Masks***
"In the event of a decompression, The panels above your head are going to open up, And release:
A) Four Oxygen Masks.
B) Why isn't my TV Working?
C) Do they not have air conditioning?
D) Ferrets?, I think he just said... Ferrets?
I did. I said it, and sometimes still say "Ferrets". I just wish Ferrets were there.
Can't explain it but I think it would be funny.
And Funny is way better than Stupid, which is how I think you might feel every time I have to explain how to put on an oxygen mask.
So that is the Demo. We can now go flying! And flying is where the magic happens. The stories will amaze you.
Until you've lived for at least a year at 40,000 ft you really have no idea what happens.
How people forget some of the simple things, etiquette, manners and of course the Golden Rule.
Well we are talking about Announcements, so once your locked into the "Steel Tube of Shared Air" you do need to know a few things. How to buckle up, how to breathe easily and most importantly how to get out in a hurry...Or as I have heard stated, "Just Follow Me".
Again we are Trained Safety Professionals, as Flight Attendants we know the facts. We are very comfortable with these facts. And in the event of an emergency we are seated closest to the door. Saving lives can only happen if your alive and I nominate myself to offer directions to the nearest bar in the event that something goes wrong. "Just Follow Me".
The Safety Demonstration
So with the Demo, which is a Transport Canada choreographed presentation, we have to be sure that everyone is aware that bad stuff can happen. Such a fun thing to get a crowd to think about just before you go flying!! The ODDS are in your favor. We really can tell you that 99 percent of the time you are completely safe. But Hey, just for fun, lets talk about the 1 percent of the time when you know you don't stand a chance.
Maybe it is the ODDS, but if only you would listen. STOP wondering why the TV isn't working or when the Air Conditioning is going to kick in; or even if you left your virginity back at security.
All you have to do is honestly pay attention, for less then 5 minutes. You do this and your chances of survival are without question STILL up to your age, physical condition and where you are seated.
I might be 39 years old and 20 lbs overweight but look where I am sitting.
***Seat Belts***
Before taking off, just after, and during any bumps we are not only going to tell you to buckle up. We then have to go on crotch patrol to make sure you did it. So make sure your zipper is in the up and locked position and "Get Clicky With It".
***Exits***
There are "X" number of exits on this aircraft. I state the variable due to the different types of aircraft out there and the simple fact that planes break apart.
There could be way more exits than we even tell you about. Go to the light or of course... "Just Follow Me".
***Floor Lighting***
What I'd like to say.
"In the event of a power loss or an emergency, your instinct is going to kick in...Or Your Dead"
We have lights. They are on the floor. Who really cares?
I think being impressed by floor lighting went out with Disco.
Besides when is the last time you heard a survival story from a plane crash that begins with.
"So I am Crawling on my hands and knees..."
***Oxygen Masks***
"In the event of a decompression, The panels above your head are going to open up, And release:
A) Four Oxygen Masks.
B) Why isn't my TV Working?
C) Do they not have air conditioning?
D) Ferrets?, I think he just said... Ferrets?
I did. I said it, and sometimes still say "Ferrets". I just wish Ferrets were there.
Can't explain it but I think it would be funny.
And Funny is way better than Stupid, which is how I think you might feel every time I have to explain how to put on an oxygen mask.
So that is the Demo. We can now go flying! And flying is where the magic happens. The stories will amaze you.
Until you've lived for at least a year at 40,000 ft you really have no idea what happens.
How people forget some of the simple things, etiquette, manners and of course the Golden Rule.
June 21, 2011
Pardon The Interruption....Really, You Should Listen. Part One
Announcements, so important.
Listening for clues should be part of everything we do in life, Flying Included. I get that it is difficult to listen at times. When I am in the cabin with a Mistress of Monotone who reads at a grade 7 level. I too am fighting JUST as hard as you to not slip into a boredom induced coma. Come on, we know this Guy or Girl has been with the airline for about 3-30 years. Hiding around the corner of the galley with a piece of paper reading from a script doesn't make me feel like listening either. Honestly not all Flight Attendants should be funny, but can't you be at least interesting? Heaven forbid...Engaging? All it takes is the slightest adjustment to your vocal cords. Imagine it isn't a script but a conversation. Your not going to bend people to your will sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown.
We are born with an ability to communicate. The phone was something we all spent a great deal of time on as teenagers. Before texting we used smoke signals, before Twitter we had a club with a nail in it. So I feel WE should all be able to pick up the Inter phone and "Press to Talk"; then share the actual things travelers need to know before during and after the flight.
SUGGESTIONS
Prior To The Main Cabin Door Closing.
***"You are now on a plane that is going to (insert destination here)".***
If you think you are going somewhere else, even for a second, please don't be embarrassed. Stand up and ask the question. "Where am I about to go?" It isn't your fault, no one really looks at your boarding pass when you get on that flight. Not enough Coffee has been yet consumed, or its simply the fact that it is electronically embedded onto the worlds smallest Smart Phone screen. This statement about where the plane is going needs to be said in as plain a fashion as possible.
Forget mentioning the flight number.
Forget mentioning the name of the airline that you work for.
Just tell the people inside the plane that they are going to the name of the next city you happen to stopping at.
I have been on that flight when a traveller says (at the end of the flight). "Abbottsford? I thought we were going to Vancouver." They also thought that Vancouver was the name of the province that Abbottsford was a part of. But you don't have to win an episode of Jeopardy to fly with; or work for an Airline.
***"Turn It Off"***
I don't care if it is in Airplane Mode. Your on a Jet.
You are going to live without music for the next 10 minuets. Please just shut it off!
I didn't make the rule. It is there for a reason. I'm not an engineer and you didn't bring your degree.
Watch a few episodes of Mayday and figure out that bad things can happen.
I am just trying to make it to the end of the day without having to pay for your surgery to have this device removed from your lower intestine.
***"Stow Your Bags"***
First, maybe learn to pack. Take everything you NEED for your trip and place it on your bed. Look VERY closely at everything there. Do you really need 6 extra pairs of socks for your trip to Hawaii? Your going to wear at most two pairs of shorts, a pair of flip flops, and a shirt, for every other day! You already waxed so don't even need underwear.
Then before you get on the plane maybe try and see if what you packed fits in the Sizing Device. These are the tall metal artwork looking things you see every 30 feet inside of every airport in the world. Your not going to jail it it doesn't fit. But you will go to jail if your 12 inch long knitting needle goes through someones hand as they are trying to fit your entire life into a bin that is sized just large enough for a crying child of up to 5 years of age.
On this subject:
If you can't lift it, why should I. Unless there is a physical limitation your just lazy.
I don't care if there isn't enough room ( see step one: learn to pack).
Listening for clues should be part of everything we do in life, Flying Included. I get that it is difficult to listen at times. When I am in the cabin with a Mistress of Monotone who reads at a grade 7 level. I too am fighting JUST as hard as you to not slip into a boredom induced coma. Come on, we know this Guy or Girl has been with the airline for about 3-30 years. Hiding around the corner of the galley with a piece of paper reading from a script doesn't make me feel like listening either. Honestly not all Flight Attendants should be funny, but can't you be at least interesting? Heaven forbid...Engaging? All it takes is the slightest adjustment to your vocal cords. Imagine it isn't a script but a conversation. Your not going to bend people to your will sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown.
We are born with an ability to communicate. The phone was something we all spent a great deal of time on as teenagers. Before texting we used smoke signals, before Twitter we had a club with a nail in it. So I feel WE should all be able to pick up the Inter phone and "Press to Talk"; then share the actual things travelers need to know before during and after the flight.
SUGGESTIONS
Prior To The Main Cabin Door Closing.
***"You are now on a plane that is going to (insert destination here)".***
If you think you are going somewhere else, even for a second, please don't be embarrassed. Stand up and ask the question. "Where am I about to go?" It isn't your fault, no one really looks at your boarding pass when you get on that flight. Not enough Coffee has been yet consumed, or its simply the fact that it is electronically embedded onto the worlds smallest Smart Phone screen. This statement about where the plane is going needs to be said in as plain a fashion as possible.
Forget mentioning the flight number.
Forget mentioning the name of the airline that you work for.
Just tell the people inside the plane that they are going to the name of the next city you happen to stopping at.
I have been on that flight when a traveller says (at the end of the flight). "Abbottsford? I thought we were going to Vancouver." They also thought that Vancouver was the name of the province that Abbottsford was a part of. But you don't have to win an episode of Jeopardy to fly with; or work for an Airline.
***"Turn It Off"***
I don't care if it is in Airplane Mode. Your on a Jet.
You are going to live without music for the next 10 minuets. Please just shut it off!
I didn't make the rule. It is there for a reason. I'm not an engineer and you didn't bring your degree.
Watch a few episodes of Mayday and figure out that bad things can happen.
I am just trying to make it to the end of the day without having to pay for your surgery to have this device removed from your lower intestine.
***"Stow Your Bags"***
First, maybe learn to pack. Take everything you NEED for your trip and place it on your bed. Look VERY closely at everything there. Do you really need 6 extra pairs of socks for your trip to Hawaii? Your going to wear at most two pairs of shorts, a pair of flip flops, and a shirt, for every other day! You already waxed so don't even need underwear.
Then before you get on the plane maybe try and see if what you packed fits in the Sizing Device. These are the tall metal artwork looking things you see every 30 feet inside of every airport in the world. Your not going to jail it it doesn't fit. But you will go to jail if your 12 inch long knitting needle goes through someones hand as they are trying to fit your entire life into a bin that is sized just large enough for a crying child of up to 5 years of age.
On this subject:
If you can't lift it, why should I. Unless there is a physical limitation your just lazy.
I don't care if there isn't enough room ( see step one: learn to pack).
When you say "Well it fit last time" usually this means you had enough sense to board early enough to stake a claim on the entire stowage compartment on your last flight.
More to come, Happy Flying!!
Toddler's take Your Seat!
So I am a Flight Attendant. And quickly became aware that this is an amazing profession. One Part Greeter, One Part Safety Specialist, One Part Reality Television Show Judge. The contestants don't even realize that they are on the longest running reality show in the world. How Well Do You FLY?
The answer more often than not is amazingly well. People are actually starting to get it. Just close your eyes, rest, pretend to sleep and we are all going to get to where we need to be quickly and with the least amount of disappointment. They get to jobs, vacations, or better yet loved ones. We get to another bug infested hotel with a group of equally judgemental people who have been eating out of a silver lined lunch kit for 4-5 days. But there are the ODD Exceptions that both baffle and entertain us to no end. Occasionally scare us, but, for the most part Entertain. Add to the mix a few cocktails and we begin what I like to call "The Debrief". We talk about the people who fly....but...on...occasion. We talk about each other. Not of course when ``They`` are around. But we do talk and it is a lot of fun. And this is were I come to share my stories.
Come on we all know that going 500+ mph for a couple hours high above the earth's surface is pretty cool. Getting across an entire country in a single day, with a snack and the option for a drink... Astonishing! But for some people that fly... it isn't enough. I can only imagine that the life they live outside of this plane is beyond my wildest imagination. I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people that were more than happy with the flights, our service, these people inspire me. Sharing a kind word, smiling, not asking for whole lot cause they know it is too early to care or that I've got a new magazine to read. OK not really new, someone left it behind, still it is new enough for me. These people INSPIRE me.
Then you meet the others, the others that don't inspire but just leave you asking a whole lot of questions. Like How are they alive, or are they allowed to be alone in public without assistance? Should I call the authorities? And sometimes you should, maybe you do.
One night while operating a flight I was going through with beverages. It is a flight that was delayed and I felt very badly for the individuals that were on the flight. We were about 2 hours behind schedule and it was fast approaching midnight, flying into a winter storm that could see us turn around to the very airport from which we just left. Never a good feeling. This feeling is multiplied of course since we have TV`s and everyone can see what is expected upon our arrival.
I feel especially bad for the Mother with a young Child. I am guessing he is 2 and not much older. He is very active, jumping on the seat, being fussy, talking gibberish very loudly and flirting with another young girl across the isle from his seat. I ask his Mom what beverage she would like? " Red Wine". Short and to the point I totally understand the lack of the word please, she looks stressed. But I have to ask, "Are you driving when we get to Montreal?" She responds "It isn't for me it is for him"; I give her the wine. I laughed cause I thought she was kidding, Oh how wrong I was! 10 Minuets later we get the announcement to prepare the cabin for arrival. As we are going through the cabin the child is now a Wine Fueled Toddler that will not take his seat. Is now really interested in the other 2ish year old across the isle. His cheeks are VERY red, we are going through some rough air so I ask the Mother to please get the little guy into his seat. She places him into his seat, we secure the cabin and as I am walking back I see the child WITH the glass of red wine. I am just beside myself. I think that it is a more than a little weird. I mean I drank but at the tender age of 16.
As we are doing our final checks I look out and in the aisle is the little guy, face down on the carpet. Passed out, sound asleep. Beside his mother, moments before the plane is to touchdown on the runway. I have to go out and make her place him in his seat as well as buckle him in. She wanted him to just stay on the floor cause he was finally asleep. She was arguing with me the entire time.
As I walk out that night past the passengers picking up their baggage I see the child, rosey cheeked, sound asleep in his stroller while Mom and her drive home are obviously talking about the rude flight attendant who made her pick up her drunk child and buckle him into his seat for safety. All that goes through my head is the pair of them placing the kid in the trunk with her other luggage for the ride home. Maybe they will just lay him down on the floor in the back seat so he isn't as cold.
I'm not the perfect parent, but tonight I sleep a lot better.
The answer more often than not is amazingly well. People are actually starting to get it. Just close your eyes, rest, pretend to sleep and we are all going to get to where we need to be quickly and with the least amount of disappointment. They get to jobs, vacations, or better yet loved ones. We get to another bug infested hotel with a group of equally judgemental people who have been eating out of a silver lined lunch kit for 4-5 days. But there are the ODD Exceptions that both baffle and entertain us to no end. Occasionally scare us, but, for the most part Entertain. Add to the mix a few cocktails and we begin what I like to call "The Debrief". We talk about the people who fly....but...on...occasion. We talk about each other. Not of course when ``They`` are around. But we do talk and it is a lot of fun. And this is were I come to share my stories.
Come on we all know that going 500+ mph for a couple hours high above the earth's surface is pretty cool. Getting across an entire country in a single day, with a snack and the option for a drink... Astonishing! But for some people that fly... it isn't enough. I can only imagine that the life they live outside of this plane is beyond my wildest imagination. I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people that were more than happy with the flights, our service, these people inspire me. Sharing a kind word, smiling, not asking for whole lot cause they know it is too early to care or that I've got a new magazine to read. OK not really new, someone left it behind, still it is new enough for me. These people INSPIRE me.
Then you meet the others, the others that don't inspire but just leave you asking a whole lot of questions. Like How are they alive, or are they allowed to be alone in public without assistance? Should I call the authorities? And sometimes you should, maybe you do.
One night while operating a flight I was going through with beverages. It is a flight that was delayed and I felt very badly for the individuals that were on the flight. We were about 2 hours behind schedule and it was fast approaching midnight, flying into a winter storm that could see us turn around to the very airport from which we just left. Never a good feeling. This feeling is multiplied of course since we have TV`s and everyone can see what is expected upon our arrival.
I feel especially bad for the Mother with a young Child. I am guessing he is 2 and not much older. He is very active, jumping on the seat, being fussy, talking gibberish very loudly and flirting with another young girl across the isle from his seat. I ask his Mom what beverage she would like? " Red Wine". Short and to the point I totally understand the lack of the word please, she looks stressed. But I have to ask, "Are you driving when we get to Montreal?" She responds "It isn't for me it is for him"; I give her the wine. I laughed cause I thought she was kidding, Oh how wrong I was! 10 Minuets later we get the announcement to prepare the cabin for arrival. As we are going through the cabin the child is now a Wine Fueled Toddler that will not take his seat. Is now really interested in the other 2ish year old across the isle. His cheeks are VERY red, we are going through some rough air so I ask the Mother to please get the little guy into his seat. She places him into his seat, we secure the cabin and as I am walking back I see the child WITH the glass of red wine. I am just beside myself. I think that it is a more than a little weird. I mean I drank but at the tender age of 16.
As we are doing our final checks I look out and in the aisle is the little guy, face down on the carpet. Passed out, sound asleep. Beside his mother, moments before the plane is to touchdown on the runway. I have to go out and make her place him in his seat as well as buckle him in. She wanted him to just stay on the floor cause he was finally asleep. She was arguing with me the entire time.
As I walk out that night past the passengers picking up their baggage I see the child, rosey cheeked, sound asleep in his stroller while Mom and her drive home are obviously talking about the rude flight attendant who made her pick up her drunk child and buckle him into his seat for safety. All that goes through my head is the pair of them placing the kid in the trunk with her other luggage for the ride home. Maybe they will just lay him down on the floor in the back seat so he isn't as cold.
I'm not the perfect parent, but tonight I sleep a lot better.
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