So we already covered the flight back from a vacation. How everyone is beat, sleeps and and are basically being the dream team in the flying machine. But in order to return from, you first must go. Lets talk about this as it is very interesting indeed. Say for example your on a flight going to someplace warm. Chances are you saved up all year (or longer). You might have never flown before. This could be a yearly thing. Or your going for your son/daughter/relative/friends wedding. Weddings are huge. Destination Weddings are a lot of fun. It is so cool to see why the Father of the Bride/Groom is not allowed to drink during the day of the event and I think it almost always has to do with the flight down.
This flight starts with a wonderful crew. A mix of veterans and a newbies which is always fun. We are also going someplace warm with a chance to bask in the humidity for an entire hour before we load up and head back to a hotel someplace far away, and not nearly as all inclusive as we would like. That is correct, right back where we started. We are also on the 3rd day of working together so the feeling out part is done with. We know what we like and dislike about each other. We have all been in love with, and hated what the other has done. We each know that we are the best at what we do, and we are about to throw ourselves into making it the best experience we can for the people that are now coming in to our lives.
The flight down goes like this. Most people are just excited. They are loud. One or two have had a drink maybe 2 at the most. And as long as they have a seat on the flight they really don't care where it is, if the seat reclines, or everyone has showered. So important, the showering part that is. Expectations are at a minimum. The flight is sort of a long sit before the party begins....Well except for a few people.
We have to have a few needy people. Walking on the plane you can tell because they ask if the bar is open. "When do we get drinks?" It depends on where you are seated, and when we get to the drink service. See first there is a few other things we have to do. Like make sure everyone is here with their bags stowed, a safety demonstration, taxi out to the runway, take off, stabilize at a reasonably high altitude, make sure things are good. "Well can do those things really fast and get to the drinks?" She interrupts me. Yes I can, I can absolutely, I can do a lot of things fast. Mostly pass judgements and suppress things I really want to say. Lucky for me, I have a Blog.
If you really need a drink before you put away your bags maybe you need to rethink your vacation plans. If I were you I'd be asking the folks at the liquor store if you could set up a tent in the beer fridge. Might be the only way you really find happiness whilst having a relaxing day away from home.
Minutes later... "Here Comes The Bride", and she is beautiful, friendly nice and a shining example of how to fly. With her is a group of guys with Movember 70 Porn Star Style Mustaches' and an older couple that look very happy. Now between the over 70 crowd and the guys that are in their late 20's with funny facial hair I always think the guys with the mustaches are going to be trouble. They do look like they are ready for the flight wide eyed, loud, listening to what sounds like heavy metal as they pass by. My spider senses are tingling. Wait for it, Yes! Right there someone touched my bum. I turn quickly only to see... GRANNY!?!?! No way I was just goosed by Granny.
She smiles and tries to blame it on Grandpa!?! "He made me do it." She says in her sexiest voice, which is even sexier since she is British and doesn't have a full compliment of teeth to hold in all that sexiness. Now I am flustered, I am embarrassed as I was focused on the Handle Bar Groomsmen and then I got blindsided by Granny. Wow, tunnel vision alert kids. You focus on one situation and another can quickly come up behind you and gently caress your bottom with the skill and dexterity of a seasoned proctologist. I was amazed, violated but still, ya mostly violated. My inner dialogue is running all over the place. I decide to just go on and assist were I can with bags. Say nothing, keep your head down. You have almost 4 hours on this plane you will have your moment don't force your hand yet. I walk away and plot my revenge.
So to recap we have 3 wedding parties, a handful of drinkers, and a sexually charge Granny on board. OK lets close the door and get this party started. We do the demo in record time. Our lead is talking like an auctioneer, literally, I can barely keep up. But the crowd loves it, especially the lady who requested a drink on her way in. Step one out of the way. Now to taxi. Wow even faster, our Captain drives this thing like he stole it. The entire taxi I see the same lady cheering almost the entire way. Not sure if she is excited about the fact we are leaving or that she actually found the right plane?
Up, Up and Away!!! In the air with almost 4 hours till we touchdown in a much hotter, more humid, and sunnier destination. Not one person isn't already looking out the window in hopes of seeing the island we are flying to. No one is sleeping, everyone is craning their neck out a window looking four hours into the future to see what sunny beaches they will soon be calling their own. I am walking through to make sure everyone is breathing and I feel a hand on my leg as I get 4 rows away from the back galley. A little side note. Your inches away from my manhood, your not invited, if I can't touch you there...fill in the blank. Never mind, You Can't Touch Me! Lets remember you bought a ticket for a plane trip not a lap dance.
Please if we ever cross paths (and I hope we do) here are the very basic rules to follow. Listen, Sit, and keep your hands to yourself. It is just like going to School except at 500 miles an hour, and a little closer to God than you ever thought you'd be. This isn't a flying bar or dance club. That is exactly what is going through my head as I hear the next words out of this ladies mouth. "Are you going to get me that drink Now?" To recap we are finished all the things I had mentioned to her earlier. We have done the demo, taxi, takeoff etc. So I guess she is correct in assuming that she can NOW have a drink. I stop myself, get my smile on and give her a slow clear rundown on the service we are going to be offering her on the flight. First we come through with immigration forms, then some snacks, THEN we do the drinks. "After the drinks we do other things, then more food and then more drinks. So we will have a total of two drink services, but, if you need a drink other than at those times please feel free to press the flight attendant call button and the flight attendant in your section will come and take your beverage order. You don't have to touch us, just the button please." I smile again and she takes her hand off my leg. I begin to walk away and I am thinking to myself wow this diet is really working when I hear it. I really didn't expect it, but, I guess I asked for it. "Ding"
I turn to see the same lady with an equally huge smile on her face (well played my dear). She has pressed the Call Button, that is the noise it makes, "Ding". Such a cute noise, I did tell her that she had to use it and not touch someone passing by. She does want a drink I am guessing. I walk back and I ask her if I can help her. "Get me a White Wine". No please or thank you. Just that "Get me a White Wine". Sarcastic is as sarcastic does, I am owning my earlier smile after she was touching me.
I guess not everyone was raised the way I was. If you have ever asked for anything in my house you had to end the statement with a very firm "Woman". I was just lucky she is not keeping her Pimphand strong. I say, "I will ask the flight attendant in your section to get you a White Wine was there anything else" She replies "Ya Ice, a glass of Ice your wine is never cold enough".
"My Wine?" is never cold enough? I didn't make the wine, or the refrigeration system lady. My guess is the wine you drink at home is so cold because you take the bladder out of the box so it can more easily fit over the pizza boxes and KFC containers you have in your fridge. OK you are going to have to keep it together BigGlasses. This isn't a personal attack on you. You do have a fridge full of cold wine. You are a good flight attendant that makes sure everyone is well taken care of you are just having a bad day because strangers are touching you and you really need to calm down and relax. Then I feel it again, that touch, not soft but firm. Far beyond lite, more of a probe. Like saying "how are ya now" to an old friend when you are 4 beer deep just to creep them out. "He made me do it again" The same voice, an even bigger gap filled smile from the same British Lady. I'm guessing a few cocktails and two prostrate exams into the day.
"I need into to Lav Honey" I hear as she pushes against me and squeezes by. Awesome I am the only male Flight Attendant on this plane and I am being passed around like a piece of meat. Women groping me, calling me "Honey". When does this dream life I lead ever end? How did I get so lucky? Fantasies do come true if you leave University kids. Don't go for the education, go for the party. You too can travel to far off places, meet strange people and start your own line of Voodoo Dolls.
How can this day get any better? Well on the positive side our frequent flyer from the trailer park is now able to order drinks without touching me. And after two more Caesars Granny is only fondling me in her sleep! Thanks be to alcohol at 40,000 ft. But the final feather in my hat is about to put this BigBlasses Bird past the tipping point.
Grandpa! Grannies husband, he is on a bit of a tear. While she is sleeping and the seat belt sign is off he is all over the place. Talking to others going to the wedding he is paying for. He is buying them all drinks and making sure they all know he bought the tickets for this flight. "Don't worry it is all on me" HE says more than once. He lets a few of us know he has many patents, and he is very wealthy. This is the 10th Wedding he has had to pay for. That doesn't count the 3 of his own. 3 wives, 10 kids, 20 some grand kids and very deep pockets. You'd think he might have used some of it for finishing school.
British accents might make you sound proper but this old guy was the furthest thing from it. I would have cut him off a long time ago. But the girls think he is charming...to a point. That point is the one to many drinks where he is now offering a trip into his deep pockets via the bed room. He offers one of the girls $1,000,000 to make "Her" dreams comes true. I am thinking that would involve putting a muzzle on this old fart. He insists that he has the cash and would be more than happy to pay for one of the girls to accompany him to the wedding for the weekend. I hear this statement and try to divert some of his attention. We are standing in the back galley getting another round ready and for Grandpa to follow us around the plane so he can point out where the next drink he bought for the person he paid for the flight is going. He seriously makes the offer. I say "I'll do it for $500" again joking trying to take the focus off my coworker. Just letting him know that I am there and I do not think he should be talking to a lady as he was. Good on me right? Wrong.
After the drinks are delivered he thanks me and leans in to whisper something in my ear. I am expecting an apology or "Thank You", or "Your doing a great job" or "Must be nice to work with all these beautiful women". Not the following statement...."I've 10 kids and I'm not even allowed to practice anymore, you'd not believe what I'd do to you." WOW creepy to a whole new level. First Grandma now Gramps. Obviously they are into an alternative lifestyle I do not want to be apart of. I just smile and laugh. It had to be a joke, he is drunk and married to a wonderful woman that I can hear snoring from the other end of the aircraft. As I look at him he gives me a wink and I back myself away to the safety of the galley. We should have a door, I really need a door!!
As I get there right around row 20, I am finding my legs as again, the call button rings and I decide everyone is just there to try and make me flip out. But this isn't about me it is about you and how you should fly. I mean sleep. Please and Thanks if your going somewhere just close you eyes if your normal we have enough of the Nutters to deal with.
And Grandma if you need a date to dance on the old guys grave when he is gone give me a call.
I love a British Accent.
PS The next "Ding" I get is just before landing. Our White Wine friend has filled her Airsickness Bag. She has also managed to cover herself and the person beside her with vomit. I hope the heat doesn't make that any smellier with her long wait at immigration... Big Smile.
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