So this morning was a VERY early check in, in a Far Eastern Time Zone. Basically that is like waking up without sleeping. I mean you do sleep but it is more like closing your eyes and opening them every 10 minutes before you are eventually answering the phone call no flight attendant ever wants to answer, "Hey where are you? We are all in the van and your not."
Not such a big deal if you are a Roadie, Carnie, or Lead Singer in some amazing musical group that covers Dexy's Midnight Runners. But if you are a trained safety specialist who is actually 30 seconds late...your buying coffee for the crew (luckily for me it is too early for a coffee shop to be open. Score!)
Your awake now! Your heart is pumping, your showering, your dressing and your in the van 15 seconds after the phone rang. I think every flight attendant does the same thing. We get ready the night before. Before you let yourself do anything else you actually iron, pack, shave, shower and then proceed to go to bed. The reason being there are two types of people in this industry. "Those it has happened to, and; those it is going to happen to".
If you are a flight attendant you are eventually going to sleep in. Your going to have someone smoke on a plane. Your going to have someone puke on you. Your going to have a mysterious man in a trench coat tell you "Water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". He will tell you this as he is going into the Lav. Now this was just last week. I knew this guy was going to take us back to a discussion about Nutters as soon as I first laid eyes on him.
I was sitting with a great crew who I just met. We were all sitting at the top of the gate waiting for the ability to get back to our plane. We are sitting beside a giant toy built for kids. In some of the larger airports they have distractions for children. Toys and such that allow the younger kids under 5 to play and parents to Facebook. They also allow you to be introduced to another form of the Nutter.
He wears a trench coat and a hat that would make Indiana Jones proud. He looks closer to Indiana's father if he let himself go. He also wears Crocs with socks. Full on Nutter with a Pedo side profile. How does he think that is a disguise? First rule, lay low, is gone out the emergency window exit once that many rules of fashion are broken. Next if your are reading this you are too old to be playing with distractions at the airport without a child. If you are too old to be playing, you are obviously trying to find your next victim. Especially if your hanging around the toy section wearing this outfit.
OK luckily security is everywhere and they let us back down to the plane. We are boarding with no sign of this guy. Here comes the gate agent I am very happy, he isn't on my flight. Right? Wrong... Agent says we are just waiting on the last flyer to finish up a saying goodbye to his friends in the sandbox and he will be along shortly.
Here he comes. Indiana, he now wants to be the last person on the plane. Wants to touch the plane, and do some weird chant prior to getting into his window seat beside two very nice people. These nice people are now just as glad as I am that they are over the age of 5. His eyes are everywhere, he is talking to himself and not being quiet about. At least he takes the safety features card out during the demo. He also answers his cell phone but I am pretty sure it was an alarm and not an actual call. The alarm to let him know he had a flight today. Why couldn't he have missed that alarm? Why couldn't he be owing someone a coffee. Not that I would want to accept any hot liquids from this guy.
Anyway from here it is a short flight. So short in fact we are only serving water. Water without ice. We all know that water without ice is warm and warm water excites the weird. As we are doing service the mad hatter says he NEEDS ice. I tell him if I have time I can get him some ice but I have to get the rest of the passengers a glass of water before I attempt to take care of his special request.
We finish up with service, I head back to put everything away. He is in my galley. Just me and him as he waits for the Lav. He now has my attention cause you never turn your back on a Nutter. "I needed ice, I needed cold water" he says. "Sorry Sir did you want some now?" I ask. "NO, it is too late, water without ice is warm and warm water excites me". I am processing this statement when the door opens and he now enters the Lav. He is still talking to himself. I am trying to think about fluffy bunnies.
So ya, it was an interesting day and I am very glad that we have groomers that clean the Lavs where we are going. So glad. Even thankful. Fluffy Bunnies. Fluffy Bunnies.
OK well stay in school kids, and if we went to school happy reunion, you win!
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