Pets Aren't Passengers In Fur Coats

So when it comes to flying you need to remember one thing, "Your Being Judged".  Crew, and guests alike someone is watching you, taking notes and if your lucky not writing about you in some strange Blog out in cyberspace.

The best advice I can give you is to lay low.  Don't worry about being a bother, just don't be a Nutter.

Pet Owners come in two varieties.  Normals and Nutters.  Normals make sure the pet goes into Cargo.  Nutters always bring the pet into the cabin.  I don't mean to generalize, but, whenever I see a kennel in the cabin I am always reminded that nervous cats with weak bowels are the smelliest creatures on earth.  Or there is a woman out there who breast feeds her cat. Those are other stories for another day.  Today we will relive ......"The Princess and the Puppy".

First off this happened close to Christmas, so I am not able to be with the people I love.  I might have been a little on edge.  OK, it was Boxing Day and I was maybe a little hungover and not going to put up with any attitude from a Nutter, especially a pet owning princess off to shop her pampered ass of in Florida. 

The story begins as I was covering for my co-worker who was getting herself ready for the flight to Florida (puking her guts up in the Lav).  I'm checking boarding passes and greeting the passengers,  as she isn't having a battle with morning sickness, why would she, her husband isn't fertile? 

The pre board passengers are on the way down.  These are the guests with special needs, young children and the like.  First to arrive are a party of 3 who are obviously very well off.  They were all carrying matching Louis Vuitton Luggage right down to the Pet Kennel which was tucked neatly under one ladies arm as she paraded into the cabin with a dog on a leash.

I now have to quickly, and in a very friendly manner, let this lady know the 5 lbs of dog has to go into the designer kennel as we have regulations that are in the best interest of all our passengers.  We do have passengers that have allergies afterall.  She dismisses me, "Yes as soon as I get to my seat", and she walks right on by.  I let her know instantly, "No the cute little puppy has to be placed in the kennel right away, please".  This is her first warning.

I will give you a little side note. You only get one warning. As a Crew Member I am not a power tripping egotistical air head looking for any excuse to tell you what to do.  I am trying to keep a job that finds most of us overpaid high school grads with a means to hit a sunny beach or friends wedding whenever we like.  Trust me if I have to work the front door of Walmart before my Grandfather kicks off I will never hear the end of it.  This job is very important to me cause I am otherwise very unemployable.

As a traveller you do have to listen to Flight Attendants, we are like the deputies of the Captain.  If you don't we are obliged, with the Captains blessings, to offer you a Notice From The Captain.  The Captain is the Judge and Jury on the aircraft.  He can have your ass in a jail (anywhere in the world) as fast as the police can come to meet the aircraft.  There are no questions asked after the Captain is involved.  If a Notice goes out you can either listen or expect to have a lot of assistance with your bags from the boys in blue not the blonds in wool.

The Princess gets to her seat and does put the dog in the kennel.  I am a happy man and a bit surprised I thought there might be an issue.  After a few years of flying you get a finely tuned instinct that tells you when a Nutter is in the cabin.  Maybe I was wrong, judgemental, hung to gills and just looking for an issue where there was really no need.  I mean she was the first person on the plane.  No one else was affected and now the dog was in the kennel.  End of story.... Wouldn't that be nice?

I am now in the cabin as my co-worker is done figuring out she is pregnant, Merry Christmas!  I am walking down to offer the princess a briefing on the expected conditions of having a pet in the cabin.  As I arrive I see the cute little puppy sitting on the passenger lap?!?  "Hello (super big smile), again, I am just wondering if you have flown with the dog before?"  She replies "All the time" and names several airlines that she has flown with. I say "Great, well at this airline we do require the dog is to be in the kennel at all times.  You can open the kennel only to administer medication, food or water but the dog must remain inside the kennel at all times.  "OH?" she says, "that isn't the way it is on such and such or this other airline.  He is allowed to sit on my lap cause that way he doesn't bark and cry".

My inside voice tells me I was right all along, we now have a Nutter.  "OK well as I stated we will just have you put the dog into the kennel for our flight today.  I do hope you understand not doing so will result in you not being able to fly with us."  She nods her head and puts the dog away and I continue to offer the rest of her briefing with regards to flying with the pet in the cabin.  We haven't closed the door yet, this is twice that I have spoken to this princess.  I tell my co-workers at the back of the aircraft what has transpired and they let me know she has been an issue with them as well.  They have each told her to do the same with her dog.  If your keeping score she has not listened to a total of 3 Flight Attendants at least 4 times.  I call my Lead and she calls the Captain.

Again the Captain is a no nonsense kind of guy.  I have flown with him before, honestly one of the better Captains who has your back.  He calls back and asks me to offer a Notice from the Captain.  He also would like an update to know how it goes.  I get the Notice, and go to offer it to the Princess.

The dog is back on her lap!  I swear the dog is smiling at me...This is 5 times, I am starting to feel like a joke to this lady and her family as they are all smiling and laughing.  I think it must be at the vein in my frontal lobe that us about to explode.  "Here is a Notice From The Captain.  It is for your information and safety.  Please read it carefully."  I pass her the piece of paper.  A co-worker who is watching this also sees the situation, she calls the Captain and lets him know the dog is back out and the Notice has been issued.  I am working on getting the dog back into the kennel when over the PA I hear the Captain.  "Ladies and Gentleman we would like to get going but we have a person in the back with a dog that will not listen to the Flight Attendants and put it away.  You have a choice comply or you will be asked to leave the plane immediately"  It is like the voice of God.  I see this lady stuff that dog away like it was a pair of dirty underwear after a bad guess during the game, Do I have to Fart?


Awesome,  the Captain has our back.  Notice is issued.  This lady now knows the dog is in the kennel for the rest of our short flight to Florida.  A total of 6 reminders, the voice from above she knows.  Right?  WRONG!!

Shortly after takeoff as I am doing a walk through I look over only to see 5 lbs of smiling dog looking back at me.  We haven't even leveled off yet.  We are under 5 minutes into the flight and we are at the seventh time we have to ask this lady to put the poor animal away.  I tell the girls at the back and they can't believe me.  But after they have to do the same thing at least two times each over the next 2 hours, we all agree, We have a Nutter.  We know that something is going to happen.  We are done talking and inform the Captain she is not complying with the instructions time and time again.

He requests that the Princess be detained.  "Have her stay behind I am going to have a chat with her before she leaves.  Get her information from her boarding pass and let her know she will not be able to fly with the dog in the cabin on her return trip."  I do as I am instructed and the Princess says she does not have her boarding pass and refuses to give me her name.  Using her seat number and our internal resources everything we need.  At the end of the flight the Captain comes out.  We walk down to the Princess, her two family members and the dog.  The dog which is actually inside of the kennel for once.

I begin with a big smile on my face. "OK ladies are we doing some shopping while your down here in Florida?".  They reply "YES!" with even bigger smiles on their faces.  They actually like the attention I think, they like the fact the Captain has now had to come out to see them off.  Maybe they aren't idiots they could just be stunned.  The Captain takes over "Well who is Karen"?  The lady with the dog offers up "I am".  The only thing that could take the smile off her face is the Captains next words.  "While your shopping Karen be sure to pick up a hard sided kennel, you'll need it for the mutt on your next flight. Your not bringing it on one of our planes again!" 

I have to excuse myself as not to laugh in front of the guest.  The Captain escorts them off the plane and gets the Gate Agent to Document the file. 

Now not all pet owners are trouble but the ODD ones are.  This was an example of the exception.  Being an animal lover myself I am having steak for supper and sharing the poisoned leftovers with the Raccoon or Skunk with has been messing with my flowerbeds.  Back out flying for the next few days. 

We will chat soon.

Pardon the Interruption....Really, You Should Listen. Part Two

So Now What.... The Doors Are Closed?!?

Well we are talking about Announcements, so once your locked into the "Steel Tube of Shared Air" you do need to know a few things.  How to buckle up, how to breathe easily and most importantly how to get out in a hurry...Or as I have heard stated, "Just Follow Me".

Again we are Trained Safety Professionals, as Flight Attendants we know the facts.  We are very comfortable with these facts.  And in the event of an emergency we are seated closest to the door.  Saving lives can only happen if your alive and I nominate myself to offer directions to the nearest bar in the event that something goes wrong.  "Just Follow Me".

The Safety Demonstration

So with the Demo, which is a Transport Canada choreographed presentation, we have to be sure that everyone is aware that bad stuff can happen. Such a fun thing to get a crowd to think about just before you go flying!!   The ODDS are in your favor.  We really can tell you that 99 percent of the time you are completely safe.  But Hey, just for fun, lets talk about the 1 percent of the time when you know you don't stand a chance.
Maybe it is the ODDS, but if only you would listen. STOP wondering why the TV isn't working or when the Air Conditioning is going to kick in; or even if you left your virginity back at security. 
All you have to do is honestly pay attention, for less then 5 minutes.  You do this and your chances of survival are without question STILL up to your age, physical condition and where you are seated.
I might be 39 years old and 20 lbs overweight but look where I am sitting.

***Seat Belts***

Before taking off, just after, and during any bumps we are not only going to tell you to buckle up. We then have to go on crotch patrol to make sure you did it.  So make sure your zipper is in the up and locked position and "Get Clicky With It".

***Exits***

There are "X" number of exits on this aircraft.  I state the variable due to the different types of aircraft out there and the simple fact that planes break apart. 
There could be way more exits than we even tell you about.  Go to the light or of course... "Just Follow Me".

***Floor Lighting***

What I'd like to say.
"In the event of a power loss or an emergency, your instinct is going to kick in...Or Your Dead"
We have lights. They are on the floor. Who really cares?
I think being impressed by floor lighting went out with Disco.
Besides when is the last time you heard a survival story from a plane crash that begins with. 
"So I am Crawling on my hands and knees..."

***Oxygen Masks***

"In the event of a decompression, The panels above your head are going to open up, And release:

A) Four Oxygen Masks.
B) Why isn't my TV Working?
C) Do they not have air conditioning?
D) Ferrets?, I think he just said... Ferrets?

I did.  I said it, and sometimes still say "Ferrets".  I just wish Ferrets were there.
Can't explain it but I think it would be funny. 
And Funny is way better than Stupid, which is how I think you might feel every time I have to explain how to put on an oxygen mask.

So that is the Demo.  We can now go flying!  And flying is where the magic happens.  The stories will amaze you.

Until you've lived for at least a year at 40,000 ft you really have no idea what happens. 
How people forget some of the simple things, etiquette, manners and of course the Golden Rule.

Pardon The Interruption....Really, You Should Listen. Part One

Announcements, so important.
Listening for clues should be part of everything we do in life, Flying Included. I get that it is difficult to listen at times. When I am in the cabin with a Mistress of Monotone who reads at a grade 7 level.  I too am fighting JUST as hard as you to not slip into a boredom induced coma.  Come on, we know this Guy or Girl has been with the airline for about 3-30 years.  Hiding around the corner of the galley with a piece of paper reading from a script doesn't make me feel like listening either. Honestly not all Flight Attendants should be funny, but can't you be at least interesting?  Heaven forbid...Engaging?  All it takes is the slightest adjustment to your vocal cords.  Imagine it isn't a script but a conversation.  Your not going to bend people to your will sounding like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

We are born with an ability to communicate.  The phone was something we all spent a great deal of time on as teenagers.  Before texting we used smoke signals, before Twitter we had a club with a nail in it.  So I feel WE should all be able to pick up the Inter phone and "Press to Talk"; then share the actual things travelers need to know before during and after the flight.

SUGGESTIONS

Prior To The Main Cabin Door Closing.

***"You are now on a plane that is going to  (insert destination here)".***

If you think you are going somewhere else, even for a second,  please don't be embarrassed.  Stand up and ask the question.  "Where am I about to go?"  It isn't your fault, no one really looks at your boarding pass when you get on that flight.  Not enough Coffee has been yet consumed, or its simply the fact that it is electronically embedded onto the worlds smallest Smart Phone screen.  This statement about where the plane is going needs to be said in as plain a fashion as possible.
Forget mentioning the flight number. 
Forget mentioning the name of the airline that you work for.
Just tell the people inside the plane that they are going to the name of the next city you happen to stopping at.
I have been on that flight when a traveller says (at the end of the flight). "Abbottsford?  I thought we were going to Vancouver."   They also thought that Vancouver was the name of the province that Abbottsford was a part of.  But you don't have to win an episode of Jeopardy to fly with; or work for an Airline.

***"Turn It Off"***

I don't care if it is in Airplane Mode.  Your on a Jet.
You are going to live without music for the next 10 minuets.  Please just shut it off!
I didn't make the rule. It is there for a reason. I'm not an engineer and you didn't bring your degree.
Watch a few episodes of Mayday and figure out that bad things can happen.
I am just trying to make it to the end of the day without having to pay for your surgery to have this device removed from your lower intestine.

***"Stow Your Bags"***

First, maybe learn to pack.  Take everything you NEED for your trip and place it on your bed.  Look VERY closely at everything there.  Do you really need 6 extra pairs of socks for your trip to Hawaii?  Your going to wear at most two pairs of shorts, a pair of flip flops, and a shirt, for every other day!  You already waxed so don't even need underwear.
Then before you get on the plane maybe try and see if what you packed fits in the Sizing Device.  These are the tall metal artwork looking things you see every 30 feet inside of every airport in the world.  Your not going to jail it it doesn't fit.  But you will go to jail if your 12 inch long knitting needle goes through someones hand as they are trying to fit your entire life into a bin that is sized just large enough for a crying child of up to 5 years of age. 
On this subject:
If you can't lift it, why should I.  Unless there is a physical limitation your just lazy.
I don't care if there isn't enough room ( see step one: learn to pack).

When you say "Well it fit last time" usually this means you had enough sense to board early enough to stake a claim on the entire stowage compartment on your last flight. 

More to come, Happy Flying!!

Toddler's take Your Seat!

So I am a Flight Attendant.  And quickly became aware that this is an amazing profession.  One Part Greeter, One Part Safety Specialist, One Part Reality Television Show Judge.  The contestants don't even realize that they are on the longest running reality show in the world.  How Well Do You FLY?

The answer more often than not is amazingly well.  People are actually starting to get it.  Just close your eyes, rest, pretend to sleep and we are all going to get to where we need to be quickly and with the least amount of disappointment.  They get to jobs, vacations, or better yet loved ones.  We get to another bug infested hotel with a group of equally judgemental people who have been eating out of a silver lined lunch kit for 4-5 days.  But there are the ODD Exceptions that both baffle and entertain us to no end.  Occasionally scare us, but, for the most part Entertain.  Add to the mix a few cocktails and we begin what I like to call "The Debrief".  We talk about the people who fly....but...on...occasion.  We talk about each other.  Not of course when ``They`` are around.  But we do talk and it is a lot of fun. And this is were I come to share my stories.

Come on we all know that going 500+ mph for a couple hours high above the earth's surface is pretty cool.  Getting across an entire country in a single day, with a snack and the option for a drink... Astonishing!  But for some people that fly... it isn't enough.  I can only imagine that the life they live outside of this plane is beyond my wildest imagination.  I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people that were more than happy with the flights, our service, these people inspire me.  Sharing a kind word, smiling, not asking for whole lot cause they know it is too early to care or that I've got a new magazine to read.  OK not really new, someone left it behind, still it is new enough for me.  These people INSPIRE me. 

Then you meet the others, the others that don't inspire but just leave you asking a whole lot of questions.  Like How are they alive, or are they allowed to be alone in public without assistance?  Should I call the authorities?  And sometimes you should, maybe you do. 

One night while operating a flight I was going through with beverages.  It is a flight that was delayed and I felt very badly for the individuals that were on the flight.  We were about 2 hours behind schedule and it was fast approaching midnight, flying into a winter storm that could see us turn around to the very airport from which we just left.  Never a good feeling. This feeling is multiplied of course since we have TV`s and everyone can see what is expected upon our arrival.

I feel especially bad for the Mother with a young Child.  I am guessing he is 2 and not much older.  He is very active, jumping on the seat, being fussy, talking gibberish very loudly and flirting with another young girl across the isle from his seat.  I ask his Mom what beverage she would like? " Red Wine".  Short and to the point I totally understand the lack of the word please, she looks stressed.  But I have to ask, "Are you driving when we get to Montreal?" She responds "It isn't for me it is for him";  I  give her the wine.  I laughed cause I thought she was kidding, Oh how wrong I was!  10 Minuets later we get the announcement to prepare the cabin for arrival.  As we are going through the cabin the child is now a Wine Fueled Toddler that will not take his seat.  Is now really interested in the other 2ish year old across the isle.  His cheeks are VERY red, we are going through some rough air so I ask the Mother to please get the little guy into his seat.  She places him into his seat, we secure the cabin and as I am walking back I see the child WITH the glass of red wine.  I am just beside myself.  I think that it is a more than a little weird.  I mean I drank but at the tender age of 16.

As we are doing our final checks I look out and in the aisle is the little guy, face down on the carpet.  Passed out, sound asleep.  Beside his mother, moments before the plane is to touchdown on the runway.  I have to go out and make her place him in his seat as well as buckle him in.  She wanted him to just stay on the floor cause he was finally asleep.  She was arguing with me the entire time.

 As I walk out that night past the passengers picking up their baggage I see the child, rosey cheeked, sound asleep in his stroller while Mom and her drive home are obviously talking about the rude flight attendant who made her pick up her drunk child and buckle him into his seat for safety.  All that goes through my head is the pair of them placing the kid in the trunk with her other luggage for the ride home.  Maybe they will just lay him down on the floor in the back seat so he isn't as cold.

I'm not the perfect parent, but tonight I sleep a lot better.